You do a lot of waiting when you’re pregnant; waiting to tell people, waiting to find out the baby’s sex, waiting to meet them, and, of course, all that waiting for doctors appointments.

Normally, that waiting pays off when you finally meet your new love and get to take them home and snuggle them whenever and wherever you want.

It’s a bit different in the NICU.

I felt like I had to wait forever to see my girls. It’s all I wanted; to see them and make sure they were ok, and of course to hold them.

The two days I had to wait to hold Raegan were bad enough, but the two weeks without holding Ella were excruciating. Especially since she was so sick, I wanted to pick her up and tell her I was there, that everything would be ok. The first time I got to hold her was like magic, instantly calming the both of us.

In the NICU, I feel like I have to ask permission to take care of my babies. It feels like the nurse is in charge and I have to ask permission to change their bums. How many mums ask someone before changing a diaper, picking up their baby, or feeding them? It just feels wrong.

So, I sometimes sneak a little. I rearrange the girls, or change their bums, or clean their faces without asking. Sometimes I even pick them up for a cuddle outside of their handling times. I know, I’m such a rebel. If I had it my way, the girls and I would spend the day bundled up together and I would ring a bell whenever I needed a snack or bathroom break.

It’s definitely hard to be a NICU mom, as we’re called, so having any kind of say in caring for the girls is so important to me.

I know it’s just a matter of time before they’re home and I can pick them up any damn well time I please.