Hope is a four-letter word

It’s pretty easy to focus on the future, as in the future the girls are home, and we’re a family, whereas in the present, I’m fractured, part of me is at the hospital with the girls, and part of me is at home.

The future is, however, uncertain. With all children, we want the best for them. We assume that our kids will grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. We know they’re awesome so we plan on lots of friends, play dates, parties, and giggles. It’s incomprehensible to us that someone wouldn’t like our child, and bullying is too scary a situation to think about happening to the children we see with such big hearts and smiles.

As parents, despite planning for the best, we worry about the worst. We worry about how much food our kids are eating, how much they’re growing, who their friends are, if they have enough friends, them going to school, them graduating school, having their hearts broken for the first time, and if they’ll be happy and successful.

We worry about all those things, but we also worry about sweet baby Ella. Will we constantly be looking for something wrong? Will we assume that if she’s not crawling it’s because there’s a problem, instead of just giving her time and encouraging her? Will our house be all wrong for her if she can’t go up stairs? Will she be teased? Will she have friends? Will she be happy?

I worry about Raegan too, I don’t want Ella to become the focus so much that we miss Raegan’s specialness. I also wonder about their twinship. I admit, not knowing much about twins, I would assume that identical twins in particular share such a unique bond where their identities have so much to do with being a twin, while still having their own unique personalities. Is it harder when one twin is so vastly different in some way? The girls are technically identical, but became different right at birth with Ella’s injury.

I really do cling to my faith in the girls. They have already shown us how strong and determined they are and how far they can go. Looking at them, they are perfect, beautiful little girls that I can’t believe would look like this if they were still in my belly, swimming around.

Jason has a harder time with hope than I do. He assumes the worst, and while I worry about the worst, I expect the best. I believe all our children will be bright, loving, hilarious, and saucy little people. I expect them to get their PhDs, to discover new things every day, and to look at life as an adventure, rather than a burden.

My father always said there is no certainty in life other than death and taxes. Who’s to say that Ella will be facing challenges?  An ultrasound? Our doctors who are amazing can’t tell us what it means, so my hope for our sweet girl is she gives that ultrasound the finger while exploring this big world in any way she can.

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3 thoughts on “Hope is a four-letter word

  1. Well. If these girls are ANYTHING like their amazing parents, they’ve already got a head start. There is no doubt that if your babies need something, you will find the resources to help them reach full potential. I share your perspective — worry about worst, but expect the best. Children are resilient and hope is often all we need. xoxo

  2. You’ve got the right attitude in remaining positive. It’s good that Jason is a little more pragmatic, but all of your kids will be more confident and more likely to work towards goals when their parents believe they are capable of them. As a mother of twins, I am going to give you my perspective on the whole twin-ness thing. My twins are only close when they are trying to kill each other. While they were playmates when they were very small, their personalities are so different that we never thought of them as “twins” but rather, just “the kids”. In fact, we refused to even call them “the twins” or dress them in matching outfits to emphasize to ourselves and our families that these were two unique individuals who just happened to share a womb. Be prepared to be asked some really stupid questions (“Do they speak their own language?” “Can they hear each other’s thoughts?” and hear some really rude comments (“Oh, better you than me. I would NEVER want twins!” “How can you even deal with two?!”). It is a huge amount of work, but you will succeed. You are already an incredible mother to your son and have shown yourself to be a strong and capable woman of two beautiful girls as well. I’m sure if you take the challenges as they come, you will find you and your family more than capable of meeting them head on. All the best, Patti (PS Say Hi to Jason for me?)

  3. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in your journey ahead. Try not to over think it too much, just take it day by day. Hugs!

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