I’m just a fluffy marshmallow

Have you ever been in your car and looked over and the person next to you was crying? You don’t know why, and you don’t even know them, but you feel like you should do something? You offer a sympathetic smile or wave as you make eye contact before both of you driving off.

Last night, I was the girl in the car crying. I got off the highway and was waiting at a red light, and the tears came. I don’t know what exactly I was crying about, but I became so aware of everyone in the cars around me.

It was not my first car cry. When the girls were in the NICU, sometimes I would get in my car and before I could even start the ignition, I would cry. Total uncontrollable tears that would stream down, and then abruptly stop. It’s almost as if my body can’t hold the emotions in anymore, and just needs to let some out before going on.

When I wrote about my separation, I was flooded with emails, texts, and messages (thank you to those who reached out), and the content was about the same; you are strong, you can do this.

And yes, I can. But strong? That’s what I want you to think. I’m really like a chocolate dipped marshmallow; they look so strong and tough from the outside, but one little crack exposes how fluffy  (and delicious! ) they really are.

I’ve always assumed that if I acted tough and if others thought I was, that it would just start to seep into my skin, deep into my bones, that it would become true. The simple fact is that I’m overwhelmed by emotions and our situation and all the other bullshit that comes with being a parent and an adult. And truth be told, who wouldn’t be? I always see articles about celebrities splitting up and how easy it is and that’s because they have money and a team of people surrounding them and their kids. Most of us regular folks either have to sink or swim. And right now, this marshmallow is going to swim like she never has before.

3 thoughts on “I’m just a fluffy marshmallow

  1. I’m so sorry to hear the news, Alyssa. Yes, you can do it, and yes, you are strong, but your strength isn’t proven by not feeling overwhelmed or not feeling lousy or not crying. Your strength is shown by the fact that you *are* doing it, you’re coming through for your kids as a great mother and a responsible adult. You’re getting where you need to go, even when you’re crying in the car. Work, childcare, running the household, doing things to meet your kids’ physical and emotional needs, taking care of yourself so you’re a functional parent; all these things are you getting it done, hour after hour, day after day.

    I don’t necessarily envy celebs because they can just throw money at their problems or let their employees handle it, so they can stay in bed all day and drink their problems away, if they want to. They don’t have necessity to drive them to live a normal life and to keep striving and trying. Taking the easy way out doesn’t set a good example for their children, and it won’t help them heal and move on in a healthy way.

    I totally don’t know the right thing to offer in order to help, but if we can do something to make your life better or easier, please tell me. If you need space or need to talk just say the word.

  2. You’re an awesome marshmallow! (and one of the best moms I know — ditto to what Karen said — if we can help in any way, we’re there, k?)

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