Ever since becoming a mum, I have been the happiest I have ever been. I love watching my little people grow and I find them hilarious. They’re my homies, and we have all kinds of crazy fun together.
But, I have also never been this lonely. I think there’s a reason you’re meant to have a partner when you’re a parent. It’s really fricking exhausting to be on all the time, to not have anyone to spot you, to step in, to give you a second to just breathe. But, it’s also so isolating when you look around and all you see are couples. They don’t understand that not only is there no one there during the bad times, but there also isn’t anyone around for the good either.
No one to talk about what an amazing day we had. No one to plan adventures with or to compare notes. No one to talk about how hilarious and awesome the kids are; to break down their chatter. No one to tell how proud I am of Ella or to say how scared I am of her uncertain future.
Once the kids are tucked into bed, the quietness feels suffocating. When others are cleaning up from dinner together or sharing a glass of wine, or even just getting cozy on the couch, I often find myself standing alone wondering, what now?
While I so badly want to believe that our knight in shining armour is out there, will see us and immediately understand and want to take the loneliness away, it seems further and further away every day. As I watch other parents stroll, hand in hand or out to dinner or just out together with their kids, it’s so obvious how different our lives are, how they just couldn’t get it, but I’d love to not get it anymore, to be blissfully unaware of anything but my own happiness, the feeling of completeness, of saying goodbye to the loneliness and hello to being surrounded by love.