What I’ve learned as a preemie mum

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Two years ago today, my girls were preparing for their journey home from the NICU, though it wouldn’t happen for another eight days. Of course, prior to their early arrival, I envisioned myself either giving birth or preparing to, given it was my due date, and Braeden arrived the day after his.

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Raegan and Ella around their due date; March 20, 2014

I didn’t know then, when the girls were born at 29 and 5, but being a preemie mum has taught me so much about love, life, and parenting. Here are some of the things I’ve learned from our journey so far;

1. Time flies much faster.

All parents know that you blink an eye and your precious newborn becomes a full fledged kid just like that, but seeing as preemie parents get extra time with their babies, time really flies. Thinking back to the tiny doll – sized diapers, the pumping, the exhaustion, and I’m amazed at how long ago it was, and how GIANT my girls seem now. Just today, another twin mum stopped me and asked about the girls, and when finding out they were preemies,  she was shocked, “just look at them now!” Two years flew by so quickly that in a blink of an eye my girls went from snoozing itty bitties to chatty toddlers likethat.

2. You really can’t sweat the small stuff.

At the beginning, I had no idea if I’d get to bring both my girls home, and many preemie babies don’t get to, that exhaustion, spit up, diaper explosions, misbehaviour, or just generally not having it together seems so unimportant. A gentle reminder to yourself about how far you’ve come is sometimes enough to realize no tantrum is that insurmountable.

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Ella March 20, 2014

3. You’re so much stronger than you know.

I knew I was having preemies, but had no idea what that would mean. There is no preparing for the NICU or prematurity or bringing home a baby, or two, who were born too soon. If someone had told me while pregnant how our story would begin, I would have hid in bed with the covers over my head, refusing to accept it. I stayed in a relationship for fear I couldn’t do it alone. And yet, we are not just surviving, but thriving. Did I feel strong then?  Do I now? Let’s just say I’m working on it, but I recognize that had I not been strong, I would not have been in a good place to bring home my girls and take care of Braeden. I often say I didn’t have a choice, but of course I did. We always do, and I chose to be who and what my girls needed when I didn’t know I had it in me.

4. You will have angry days.

The other mum in the park talking to you about feeling massive at 37 weeks or having someone telling you how hard tracking milestones are or really someone looking at you the wrong way on the wrong day will bring about your angry bear.  You’ll hate how unfair life is, how this happened,  how anyone could complain to you about being pregnant and huge when all you wanted was to be able to have a belly and wear maternity clothes. But, knowing that anger is a completely normal feeling, and that it isn’t anyone’s fault, including your own, that this happened,  will prepare you for beginning to process what happened and remain in the present with your babies.

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Raegan March 20, 2014

5. Our babies are so special.

Their stories are truly remarkable and when you think back to how those two pound babies fought so hard, and how so many extra people got to witness their amazingness, it really brings about how special they are. As my girls get bigger, I will get to tell them their story and show them the diapers they used and watch as they realize they are absolutely remarkable.

6.  You’re doing an amazing job.

I am the last person to toot my own horn, and sometimes I don’t realize how overwhelming it has been for me, but I do know one thing; I love my kids and would do anything for them. Am I the world’s best mum? No. Is anyone?  Probably not. We all have rough days, and then we have good days.  Sometimes we collapse, but then we build ourselves back up and give our kids cuddles and tickles and pushes on swings, and though every part of our body remembers what it was like, we don’t allow the memories to take over. We just keep on being amazing and raising amazing kids.

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Our wacky family

Those three little words

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A couple weeks ago, Raegan asked for a hug then smiling up at me said, “I love you, Mama!” and of course, I melted and my voice squeaked out three octaves higher when I mustered back, “Aww, I love you, too!!”

It melted my heart and made me think about the weight of those words, which my kids have heard every day since they were born. Obviously they must understand that there is some kind of emotion behind those words, and that we can show love. Ella loves to give hugs and pat your back, which I always thought of as her way of saying, “good job, Mama. You got this.”

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Raegan and Mama

I don’t remember when Braeden first said it, but no doubt it killed me with cuteness when he did. With Buds and Raegan I never really thought about if they would say I love you, just mostly when. But with Ella, I wondered. I wondered if she would say it to me, or if I would have to make do with her showing her love through giggles, pats, and hugs.

Last night, I stood outside the girls’ door  and listened to Raegan shouting “Ella! Ella! I love you! I love you, Ella Bella!” and there really are no words that properly express how much heart clutching and lip pouting I did while I listened to Raegan telling her sister she loved her and Ella giggling hysterically. And as I did, I wondered more. Will Ella say it? Won’t she? Is it dumb to worry about it?

Then, at dinner tonight, Ella, giggling, said to Raegan, “I love you!” and I wish I was Zach Morris and could have stopped time while I basked in the moment and soaked it up forever and ever, but just her saying it, and knowing what it means, and Raegan giggling along and smiling her toddler sized smile at me really filled my heart, much like the Grinch’s swells three times the size.

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Mama and Ella

It seems selfish to post this, to focus on this, when there are so many parents who will never hear I love you from their kids in any capacity. And my heart breaks for them because it’s what we all need, even when we don’t think we do, even when we think we’re strong, or above it. We need those three little words, and we need to know that our kids love us, but that most importantly,  they always know how much we love them.

Is anybody out there?

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When you have kids, it’s only natural to seek out like-minded individuals going through the same kind of thing, especially as first time parents. When I had Braeden, I had a great group of mums I met in prenatal class that I was able to hang out with and connect with over anything and everything. It definitely made maternity leave more fun and we have some great memories of our now four year olds as tiny tots.

But,  I seem to have found myself out on an island all alone, occasionally wading into the waters of more populated islands only to realize that I don’t belong there.

Having multiples sets you apart from the world of singletons.  No, having babies close together is nothing like having twins. And mono mono twins with the complications, guaranteed c section, and NICU time mean it can be hard to even connect with many a twin mama. You’d think that other mums of preemies would then be a natural place to turn to for support, but most of them don’t always have an older child, and many are coupled.  So, to other single parents, yes? Except not many have kids with special needs or different abilities.  And to those parents I seek support, as much as possible when they don’t have multiples or an older child, are partnered, and may have had full term babies.

I’m not sure how many other parents fall into the same situation as I do, but it feels pretty lonely out here, never knowing where to turn or who will really get it. Because, unless you live this life, you can’t really ever get it. Not even if you tried your very best. You may understand aspects of our life, but those little pieces feel fractured and shattered from a “normal life” that we will probably never know.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not writing this as a sob story. Merely expressing how lonely this parenting world can be. How much we hold on our shoulders, how much we smile, holding back tears sometimes over the dumbest things that just tip the scale a little too far. How the nights feel so empty once our babes are in bed, yet we’re too exhausted to imagine doing anything else.

I hope that all of us who find ourselves on an island, too scared or isolated to wade out far enough that our feet no longer touch the ground, are able to have someone to turn to, to grab onto and tread water together, to laugh and cry together, and just scream out to the universe without judgment or fear.

To my four year old

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Four years ago today something amazing happened; a little peanut named Braeden was born, coming swiftly and fiercely into this world with sass that will never go away – not that I would ever want it to.

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Braeden February 19, 2012

More importantly,  that day Braeden made me a mum, a job I feel like I’ve had much longer than four years, and have cherished every day since. Watching this munchkin grow up has been amazing. So much personality in such a small, spunky package. Even now he surprises me with his shape recognition and vocabulary, but never with his big heart or crazy curly hair.

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One year old! February 19, 2013

Being a mum is never easy, how could it be when we are responsible for raising tiny humans into amazing people? Sometimes I doubt my abilities as a mum, some days are really hard, and I collapse at the end of the day wondering if I could have done better, but then there are days when I just know I’ve got this.

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Two years old! February 19, 2014

This little bear handled becoming a big brother to two little sisters like a champ and despite occasionally showing Raegan how to be a nutbar,  I know that if I didn’t have such a great kid that bringing home babies in need of so much attention would have been impossible. I’ve loved watching him become a big brother and snicker when he calls his sisters sweety and tells me how adorable they are.

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Three years old! February 19, 2015

I have such big dreams for my little man and I’m stuck in the mama world of not wanting him to grow up, but wanting to see what becomes of him. My first taste of the future came this week when I registered him for kindergarten and I couldn’t believe it had been four years since I waddled around with him in my belly, kicking and punching me whenever a good song came on.

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4 years old! February 19, 2016

Happy fourth birthday,  baby boy, my favourite curly haired little bear with the cutest one dimpled smile ever. Thank you for making me a mama and going on this crazy journey together, and thank you for being a constant reminder of how big my heart can swell and how much love this mama has.

Staying Organized While Single Parenting Multiples | Twiniversity

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Two years really isn’t that much time, not in the grand scheme of things, after all, my bestie and I have known each other almost 27 years, the two of us shocking each other with stories that end with…and that was 15 years ago!

And yet, two years with babies both fly by and seem like forever ago. When I sat down to write this piece, I really had to think back to those crazy beginning days when I was sleep deprived and had no idea what to expect and no memory really of how I survived it. But, then flickers of pieces here and there came rushing back to me and I was able to remember how I kept organized, or at least as much as I could be.

Every family will do things differently,  but these are some of the things that worked for me, and we obviously survived.

Here’s to the beginning and the two years that follow!

http://twiniversity.com/2016/02/staying-organized-while-single-parenting-multiples/

Sing with me, baby

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I’ve started a new job that has me working slightly different hours, so the kids get home before I do.

Sometimes,  I forget how big my kids are now. I looked at Raegan during dinner tonight, and I didn’t see a baby – I saw a little girl. My breath was taken from me for a minute as I saw her with her hair getting longer, and her face thinning out, and two years just flashed by me in an instant looking at her.

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Raegan, just before her first birthday

And then I looked at Ella, who was giggling and eating her dinner, and when she caught me looking at her said, “Hi, Mama!” Gone are her chubby cheeks, yet her infectious smile remains.

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Ella, after turning one

One of the things the girls love is music. They love to sing songs, and have their favourites. Ella demands that we sing happy birthday now. Nothing shows me how fast they’re growing up as much as listening to them sing along to every word to all the songs I sing them.

Tonight, as I was cuddling Raegan and getting ready to say goodnight, I sang them the song I made up for Braeden when he was a baby, and Raegan sang along with me, cheek resting on my shoulder, and it was such a special moment, such a sweet reminder of how my babies aren’t really babies anymore, but will always be to their mama.

On this day two years ago…

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When you have a preemie, there are usually a couple days that float in your mind; the day your baby should have been born, and the day they actually were.

With mono mono twins, there’s even more days that always stay with me; their 40 week due date, their scheduled c section date, their birthday, and the day they came home. The girls were scheduled to be born January 24th, 2014, at 32 weeks and one day. Instead, they made their debut January 7th, at 29 and 5. Yet, for the last two years, when January 24th rolls around I always have to stop and give myself a small moment to grieve.

There’s a reason mono mono twins are delivered at 32 weeks; risk has substantially gone down and at that point,  babies are mostly learning to feed and grow. And we were so close. So. Close.

There has always been a big part of me that wonders if we had made it, if our story would be different. Would Ella have CP and hydrocephalus?  Would we have pranced home from the NICU even before my due date?  Would I have three children running circles around me?

It’s a thought – sometimes fleeting, sometimes debilitating – that of course offers no answers, only uncertainty. Yet, days like today come and wind me slightly and I have to act like the calendar isn’t tormenting me. And you would think that I was too busy to notice, but you really could never be too busy to notice grief, can you? I’ve heard from others that as our preemies grow,  these dates mean less, as they are replaced by happier dates, memories, and moments. I expect that’s true, but I also expect to flip the calendar one year,  momentarily get sucked into the coulda,  woulda, shoulda, before moving on. And maybe that’s ok, reflecting on how far we’ve come in such a short time. Or maybe,  it’s ok to remind myself that I’m only human, and that certain days will be harder than others, but that we will come through the other side, because we always do.

My love/hate relationship with adapted equipment

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Contemplative Ella in her adapted stroller

When the doctors first mentioned the words Cerebral Palsy after Ella’s brain injury, it sent me through the stages of grief, but I spent a long time in denial. I had convinced myself that Ella would prove everyone wrong, that she would hit all her milestones and be tough and amazing and would waltz into the NICU and do cartwheels in front of her brain images. But, it didn’t take long for me to realize that that was not the case. She certainly has always been tough and amazing, but she needed a little bit of extra help.

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Ella in her walker

I remember as I sat on the floor with a baby girl on each knee of the NICU follow up and there was an exchange of glances before I was told Ella had CP and that with those words, that diagnosis, we could help her get the things she needs.

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Ella in a tumble form at school

There’s always been a part of me that hates the equipment.  When we were ordering the stroller for Ella, I went back to my denial phase; she doesn’t really need that, we won’t use it. And it arrived and it was huge and heavy and it made my heart hurt because it doesn’t look like a stroller. It looks almost like a wheelchair. And it made me feel like a failure as a mother that I couldn’t keep her safe and in my tummy just a little bit longer.

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Ella the roly poly

Then, I put her in the stroller and she loved it. She was upright and using both hands and smiling and playing and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about it because it’s not about me. It’s not about how the equipment makes me feel. It’s about Ella being able to do all the things she wants to do. It’s about that smile that swells my heart and fills my soul. It’s about her standing at the table with her brother and sister playing and laughing and it’s about this mama standing by, being amazed by her two year old daughter who is so much stronger every day.

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Happy birthday, girls!

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Last week the girls turned two and so naturally that means it’s time to party! They had a rather large shindig last year, and I really wanted to keep it small, but still special.

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Ella and Raegan dressed in their Elmo outfits!

So, this past Sunday, that’s what we did; a small get together based around one of the girls’ favourite things – Elmo! They were very excited to come downstairs and see the Elmo balloons and wear their tutus.  “Ella’s tutu, Raegan’s tutu!”

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Ella has too much fun playing with her balloon to eat breakfast!

I know that their birthday brings up lots of emotions in me, and probably for others who care for them. When babies enter the world the way my girls did, you don’t soon forget it. In fact, every single second of that day is permanently etched in my mind. But, we have come so far and we should celebrate, and to celebrate these special girls is so easy.

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Raegan

Here are a few photos from the girls’ special day. Happy birthday, sweet girls!

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The spread

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Ella loved opening presents!

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Raegan figures out how to best open gifts

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The cake!

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Raegan enjoys some cake

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As does Ella!

Multiplicity Winter 2016 by Multiplicity Magazine

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Multiplicity just released a brand new website and the Winter issue is live now!

In it, I write about some ways to introduce your twins to their big brother or sister and keep them from feeling jealous or insecure.

I am by no means an expert on the topic, but I always tried to remember to keep Braeden as my star, my helper, and my favourite big buddy. I also tried to do as much as I could with him on my own, which, truthfully, wasn’t much, but usually involved trips to the grocery store or fruit market. Simple, but he loved it.

Every child is different and you know yours best, but when introducing them to TWO babies, it’s extra important to plan ahead.