It’s been non-stop since the girls were born, trying to figure out schedules and routines. After Buds goes to daycare, Jas drops me at the hospital and I spend the day with the girls, then I get picked up and we get Buds and all head home together for dinner.
I find it hard to feel like a mom in any part of my day. At the hospital, I mostly feel like an assistant, helping to change bums and check temperatures, but always having to check before I do anything with the girls. At home, I’m banned from doing much, including picking up our son, as I recover from my section. So, my nights are pretty much spent as an assistant to my husband, and the rest of the time, I sit, attached to my pump, expressing whatever milk is there.
I pass by the girls’ empty nursery, half ready for when they come home, and it makes me put my hands to my belly, except the girls aren’t there anymore.
I’ve heard from other people in the NICU that it’s hard to find your place among the doctors, nurses, techs, and everyone else wandering into the room, but there are two teeny people who know I’m their mom, and seem to react when I talk and sing to them, or give them a hand cuddle. Hopefully this time will pass quickly and my girls will be all mine – and I guess Jason can share too.