It’s very strange to have been pregnant, and now, not pregnant, not have the babies to show for it. I feel like wearing a sign that screams, “I just had twins!!” to explain my weathered appearance, under eye circles, and perpetually exhausted look.
As I roam around in yoga pants, I fight the urge to mutter to each passerby; “I had a section,” to acknowledge my lack of style and fashion. Yes, I own jeans, but no, they still don’t fit, or better yet, hit right at my incision. So, yoga pants it is.
With every movement, I should explain, “I’m pumping, don’t mind the look of sheer agony every time the wind blows.”
I know I must seem strange to stare at couples pushing their newborns around or showing them off. I constantly feel like I’m forgetting something, and then realize, oh yah, it’s my kids.
It seems like the girls are in camp, and I only get to see them during visiting hours, turning into one of those moms, plastered against the window, screaming, “I love you!!” as the kids stare horrifyingly on.
Every person asks me where Buds is, and when I say he’s in daycare, there’s a look like I should be hauling my toddler around with me everywhere now that I’m on leave. Does it make me a bad mother to actually want him in daycare or just a regular one? Am I less of a mum if I don’t have my three kids hanging off me all the time?
Is it strange that after giving birth I am asking permission to change bums and hold my girls instead of being covered in spit up and maneuvering my double stroller through the mall while making funny faces at the girls? Does that mean I’m less of a mama and more of a cuddle buddy?
Yes, I look like crap. I’m pumping every two hours and I have a husband and two kids in hospital. My other kid spends most of his time out of daycare with Grandma and Grandpa. I definitely don’t feel like much of a mom, and certainly not a great one right now. And no, I don’t get the adorable babies to show off to make up for my haggard public appearances, but I will. My girls will be coming home as newborns despite being three months old.
So, I have lots more time to look like crap.