Recently on one of the mono mono facebook support groups, a member posted that she was leaving the group as she had lost her twins and reading members’ comments and complaining about inpatient care made her feel like everyone was ungrateful for the experience and the lives of their twins.
While I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose one or both twins, whether early in the pregnancy or late term, the post seemed harsh to me.
That post must have been hard for her to write, and the other posts were obviously harder. It’s sad that while members were posting for support, she was re-experiencing her loss and trauma all over again.
We don’t know each other’s struggles, be it during pregnancy or after. Even passing other parents in the NICU, the same parents every day, didn’t mean I knew their story.
Yes, it may seem trivial to complain about inpatient care (the food is awful, the days are long and boring), but there’s a deep loneliness that accompanies the hospital stay. Even for the mums who experience no complications and deliver after 32 weeks, there is still worry, anxiety, fear. Who would understand this better than other mono mono mamas?
For the most part, the group is filled with mums who delivered at or past 32 weeks, who had four or five pound babies, spent minimal time in the NICU, and had little or no complications. Of course, our story is different, but I can’t begrudge those mums. I also cannot relate to the mums who lost their baby or babies. I float somewhere in the middle.
Outside the groups, we have friends and family expecting. I always wish the best for them – excited to see pictures of growing bellies and chubby babies. I would never want anyone to have a story like ours.
So, where does that leave us MoMo mums? Can we band together through thick and thin, supporting the highs and lows, the losses and gains, the beginnings and ends? Can we allow the possibility of being reminded of our trauma, sorrow, fear, and grief? Can we be happy for those whose story so differs from our own?
I hope so, because motherhood, much like inpatient care, can be lonely, scary, and filled with anxiety if we don’t have anyone to share it with.