I don’t think I’m ready for this jelly

Yesterday at the pool, after my swim, as I was struggling to change under my towel, one of the older ladies walked by completely naked. As in, buck. I felt like I was in an episode of Sex and the City, with Samantha plowing through, bush first, and me as Charlotte, in a head-to-toe muumuu, anxiously shuffling through.

I wonder what it is about older women that they feel comfortable enough to strut around in their birthday suits, even though their suits aren’t necessarily as well-pressed as they used to be.

It really isn’t the extra flab that bothers me, it’s the scar. Jason says I’m crazy, but the c section scar really bums me out. I could get all social worky and say that the scar is a permanent reminder of the trauma we went through, the uncertainties with our girls. But, I could also go girly and just say that it’s ugly. The first time I looked at the incision, it reminded me of Heath Ledger as The Joker, the grin that can send shivers down your spine.

Unfortunately, Jas and I both got scars at the same time. His from his pneumothorax and mine from the girls’ section. We’re both super self conscious about them, and neither one of us feels completely whole with them.

The lady in the changeroom must have scars of her own, whether you can see them or not, but she owns them and can strut it like nobody’s business.

While I don’t see myself ditching the towel anytime soon, I can only hope that eventually the scar, and the trauma, fade away.

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4 thoughts on “I don’t think I’m ready for this jelly

  1. I don’t have C-section scars, but carrying twins (and a singleton) has left me with a body that will never be birthday suit ready. Mamas of twins, however, are super stars regardless of the shape our bodies are in. You are amazing!

  2. It could be cultural (nudity is less of a big deal in other parts of the world). It could also be that the nude lady realizes that whatever the state of her body, it is unlikely it’ll ever look this good again! The 2014-Me longs for the body of the 2004-Me and the 1994-Me (times when I could only see the flaws.) The 2024-Me is telling me to love what I’ve got, while I’ve got it. 🙂

  3. I have a WICKED scar that’s not directly baby related; it’s from the surgery that informed me that I had endometriosis and when I look at it, I am constantly reminded of that moment. The scar had healed but now with the growing baby, it’s red and angry. It takes some time to own your scars, but I always loved that lyric… “our scars remind us that the past is real.”

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