I’ve written about the holidays on several occasions; my first four years ago when I was living in the hospital at this time keeping a watchful eye on those sassy babies living it up in my tummy. Last year, my focus on the holidays was hopeful; with a long year behind me but hopeful for a better year ahead.
This year, as Braeden and I decorated our tiny yet full Christmas tree, I became reflective again, as I always seem to this time of year. As he carefully chose the location for his favourite ornaments; the minions, fire trucks, and Santas, I watched him as his excitement grew that Santa would now see that we’re ready for Christmas. His calm happiness reminding me of the juxtaposition I face with him; so loving and cuddly one minute to explosive anger and frustration the next; how hard I have been working to keep him from being labelled as a challenging kid in class or a behaviour kid. How hopeful I am that this year will bring him peace and allow him to love school again and want to learn and lead.
As he placed Ella’s fairy princess on the table for me to hang, I thought about the year we’ve had, how strong my girl is, how much she has to say and how determined she is to do things on her own, and I look ahead, somewhat sadly, knowing that it is less and less likely that my sweet girl will ever walk on her own, instead finding herself in a wheelchair, something I suspect sooner than later. As people tell me how far her personality will take her, I am hopeful that she too will lead and will break down barriers within so many who place so much value in physical attributes, often missing the very core of what makes people incredible.
Raegan’s ballerina reminded me of her incredible determination and lately I have noticed how much she has changed; gone is my little baby and here is a big girl with wild hair and deep set dimples. Here is a girl who is so happy and wants to be and do everything her brother does. She is sassy and sweet and cuddly and determined and seeing her grow, I am so proud of my former two pound tiny sack of sugar, and I know she has some incredible aces up her sleeve in store for me.
And, this year, I have a new favourite ornament; a small ball filled with purple glitter and the word sparkle on it. It’s really such a core of myself; to sparkle. To bring out an inner fabulousness that fills my life with something beautiful. Many days this year it has been hard to find it, only a glimmer appearing on my darkest of days, trapped within a cloud in my soul, and yet others, the sparkle has been so bright it has opened up my life in ways I did not see possible. I am so hopeful to have that sparkle more; to really feel it and have others feel it. Remember how nobody puts Baby in the corner? Well, it’s about time that this mama take control of her sparkle and not let anyone dim it. After all, ’tis the season to spread love and where better to start than within oneself?