It’s funny how much our bodies really take a physical toll from our emotional scars. I’ve noticed lately how much my back hurts, my shoulders, my arms on a Monday morning after carrying Ella around all weekend. How much harder it is to get out of bed just from exhaustion no matter how much sleep I get.

Someone recently said to me how they eat to fill an emotional hole; something I know all too well. After all, I’m the woman who sought solace from the NICU in a bag of Oreos. When the weekends are long and stressful and exhausting I’m like GIVE ME ALL THE SNACKS and frantically try to dig through the cupboards for some semblance of junk food. Of course, I’ve been healthier so yummy soul filling snacks are few and far between now. I’ve been exercising and increasing my weights and walking my butt off; my Fitbit and I are such buds.

But, this morning I got dressed and just saw jiggle. Rolls. Fat. Mounds even. I’m 100% sure that we all have these days, even the most confident must at some point feel as if they’re less on point, justified or not. I recognize these negative thought patterns now and how quickly I can spin out of control, throw in the towel, and shed tears instead of pounds.

I have learned how hard it is to recognize my own value. No matter how hard we resist, we have been told by social and cultural norms that our appearance is our value and that our partners will love us even more if we look damn fine. I’ve given that idea the middle finger; recognizing that it is no one else’s role to make me feel confident than myself. It is up to me to look in the mirror and see strength, determination, and perseverance. And yes, to see how hard it is to not eat my feelings, to not gorge myself on salty delicious snacks (did someone say snacks?), but not to only see the lumps and bumps, the stretch marks, the jiggle. To see the muscles and tone, to see that big god damn smile. To recognize that confidence is beautiful and that I can be confident and curvy.

Today, as my mind whirled, as thoughts of you’re not good enough danced in my head, as images of delicious and unhealthy food floated through my brain, I shoved them aside, put my workout clothes on, and while snowflakes fell from the sky, did Pilates barefoot, stretching my body, feeling it shake, and seeing just how strong this mama is – Christmas jiggle and all.