Can I hold my baby now, please?

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You do a lot of waiting when you’re pregnant; waiting to tell people, waiting to find out the baby’s sex, waiting to meet them, and, of course, all that waiting for doctors appointments.

Normally, that waiting pays off when you finally meet your new love and get to take them home and snuggle them whenever and wherever you want.

It’s a bit different in the NICU.

I felt like I had to wait forever to see my girls. It’s all I wanted; to see them and make sure they were ok, and of course to hold them.

The two days I had to wait to hold Raegan were bad enough, but the two weeks without holding Ella were excruciating. Especially since she was so sick, I wanted to pick her up and tell her I was there, that everything would be ok. The first time I got to hold her was like magic, instantly calming the both of us.

In the NICU, I feel like I have to ask permission to take care of my babies. It feels like the nurse is in charge and I have to ask permission to change their bums. How many mums ask someone before changing a diaper, picking up their baby, or feeding them? It just feels wrong.

So, I sometimes sneak a little. I rearrange the girls, or change their bums, or clean their faces without asking. Sometimes I even pick them up for a cuddle outside of their handling times. I know, I’m such a rebel. If I had it my way, the girls and I would spend the day bundled up together and I would ring a bell whenever I needed a snack or bathroom break.

It’s definitely hard to be a NICU mom, as we’re called, so having any kind of say in caring for the girls is so important to me.

I know it’s just a matter of time before they’re home and I can pick them up any damn well time I please.

Happy birthday, Buds!

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Two years ago, I felt my first contraction. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a false contraction and a real one until I felt it, and then I knew.  I wasn’t scared, just more nervous since I didn’t know what to expect, but, mostly, excited to meet my baby boy and finally get to hold him. After a fast and fierce labour and delivery, I did exactly that when my doctor thrust a wriggly little baby into my arms and it hit me, I was a mom.

Braeden has shown me that sometimes the best things in life aren’t planned and that it is possible to re-see the world in a child’s eyes. This little man made us a family and has brought us both a love we didn’t understand before. Braeden makes me laugh every day and continues to amaze me with his intelligence, kindness, and curiosity. Watching him turn two has meant seeing him fall in love with cars, trucks, books, dinosaurs, and Bubble Guppies. His observations are both hilarious and astute and make me wonder how he could be so smart (obviously gets it from me). 

While I don’t want him to grow up too quickly, I am excited to see who he will become and watch as he embarks on bigger adventures. I can’t wait to see him teach his sisters everything he knows. 

Two years have passed in the blink of an eye, but my time with Buds is special, carved out and held in a separate place in my heart. My favourite part of him turning two was lying in his bed tonight, singing him lullabies, just like I used to when he was still teeny tiny.

Happy 2nd birthday to our special little boy who has taught me what it means to be a Mama.

We’re six weeks old!

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Ella and Raegan, NICU day 42

Wow, six weeks have flown by and our girls have come so far.

It’s so hard to believe that the same little girl who struggled so much in the beginning is now leading the pack. Ella has been doing so well this week, and just moved into a crib! Not only is it amazing how well she’s doing, but I didn’t notice all of the noises she makes and all her stretching because of the cover on her old house. I love being able to just sneak up and peek on her, and let’s be honest, take pictures, without disturbing her. I could literally pass out from cuteness overload seeing her tucked in her bed.

Jas and I met with Ella’s doctor on the weekend (during the Canada-Finland hockey game if you can believe it). The news was good, but cautious. Ella has a grade four bleed, though I don’t know how much that actually determines her outcome. They’re pretty sure she does not have PVL (yay!), but he cautioned that a mild to severe disability is still a possibility, we just don’t know to what extent. I have to say, she has come a long way from the puffy little girl on oxygen and seizure monitors to a bright eyed beauty. I can’t say if it’s from all the kangarooing, the pumped milk, or just her “I’ll show you” attitude, but whatever it is, the girl blows my mind.

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Ella, day 41

Raegan is slowly catching up to her bigger little sister in size, with both girls just shy of 5 pounds. Raegan has lots of periods of wakefulness, with her big eyes looking around at the world. Most of the time, she looks at me with a big frown and just always looks like a grump. It’s hilarious and I adore her.

I asked that we try turning the heat down in her condo so that she can work on maintaining her own temperature so she too can move to a big girl crib. So far, she’s been doing well.

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Raegan, day 42

Showing their twinship, both girls constantly have the hiccups. One will finally stop and the other will start. I’m not entirely sure how such tiny people could make that much noise, but it’s adorable. The girls also seem to be doing just as well as each other in nursing and bottles. I am contemplating my next moves with feeding as no matter what, I will need to supplement.

I can’t wait to see what week seven will bring. Now, to prepare for them coming home!

If you eat all the oreos, you might as well be dead to me

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I wish I were one of those people who dealt with stress by not eating. The ones who lose a dress size every time they’re worried, in other words, the people everybody hates.

Instead, I find myself unable to stop stuffing my face. When I’m with the girls, I feel calm and, well, like a mom. I change bums, get cuddles, and pump. I’m busy and love every minute. As soon as I leave the room for my lunch, I cannot stuff my face enough. My lunch bag is so full one might imagine I’m stocking up for winter.

Nighttime is even worse. With Buds in bed and Jas loving junk food just as much, if not more than I do, I just cannot put the food down. God forbid anyone who gets in the way of my snacking, including said dear husband who should know my affection for double stuff oreos is almost worrisome.

After Buds was born, I hated the way I looked, but got moving and joined Weight Watchers and lost 70 pounds (that shit is real, despite their terrible choice in spokespeople). This time, I just can’t imagine worrying about points and portions and I so wish I could snuggle the girls up for a walk, but that’s not happening yet.

Do I wish I could fit into my clothes better? Absolutely. Is it a priority? Nope. So pass the damn oreos.

We’re five weeks old!

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Raegan, NICU day 35

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Ella, NICU day 35

Five weeks! So hard to believe how fast the time has gone. Since last week, the girls have done well in the growing game, Ella is just under 4 and a half pounds and Raegan just under four.

This week, I started breastfeeding the girls twice a day, which as I’ve posted, is…interesting. Depite everything, Ella is actually the nursing superstar.

Raegan had a bath this week, which was hilarious and adorable, and left her with super soft, fluffy hair. Afterwards, we dressed her in a sweet cupcake onesie that seemed small enough for a doll.

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The girls have started bottles as well, with Ella finishing a whole bottle last night! This will come in handy as I see many bottles and sterilizing in my future.

Ella had to wear a brain monitor over the weekend to check for seizures. Thankfully, she didn’t have any. Her nurses think that her apnea is related to her positioning, which often happens when she moves into a position that cuts off her airway.

The girls and I had a lovely cuddle today before I headed home, and I really saw how much they look alike. Both slept in the same position with their mouths hanging open. Pretty damn adorable, if I do say so myself.

These boobs are made for milking?

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We all know by now my love-hate (let’s be honest, it’s all hate) relationship with my pump, but last week I started breastfeeding the girls.

Mostly, it’s just for practice as the girls aren’t quite 35 weeks, but they’re on the boob and it’s better than being attached to a machine.

Let me tell you, it’s weird. Breastfeeding may be natural and all that crap, but breastfeeding twins is a mission. Yes, we have two boobs, but also only two hands and trying to hold two kids and two boobs and be able to adjust, move, or breathe as needed is almost impossible. They’re in football hold, but there’s a reason why you play with only one ball. Let’s be honest, most men could not run down the field with two balls, let alone two kids.

I naturally assumed that starting the breastfeeding would give me a break from pumping. Oh no. I am supposed to pump more. More! Ha. I wince with a strong gust of wind, nevermind two kids and a pump. Buds pushed against me last night and I was in tears.

My supply is up. And by up I mean 150 ish ml a day. It should be 850. My boobs despite their size, are natural under-achievers, apparently.

So, I trudge on with nursing, pumping, sterilizing, transporting, and shielding. How long are you supposed to feed again anyway? A YEAR???!!!

Daddy cuddles part two

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Jason with Raegan and Ella, NICU day 32

Jas came to visit yesterday and held both girls for the first time. The little ladies were dressed for the occasion, wearing some of the NICU’s outfits.

Jason had one girl on each side, and looked only slightly terrified! Ella stayed awake for the whole cuddle, often expressing herself with a bit of a wail, but mostly just getting to know her Daddy.

We’re one month old!

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Raegan and Ella turn one month!

 

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One month already, and getting big! Both girls have gained weight, Ella is now just shy of four pounds, weighing 3 pounds, 15 ounces and Raegan is coming in at 3 pounds, 9 ounces. Both girls are looking bigger and brighter, though they’re still teeny tiny.

Ella proves herself to be quite the fighter, and despite everything, is looking so good and strong. She spent over an hour awake today, hanging out with Mama while her sister snoozed. When nursing or being held, she makes the funniest noises that make me giggle. The doctors are checking her now for signs of seizures, to see if that explains her apnea spells, but so far, nothing. Although she is a lady, Miss Ella has been known to make lots of stinky toots. Not fun when your house is kept locked up tight!

Raegan is doing really well, almost no apnea spells, and is basically just getting bigger. The nurse told me today that most likely Raegan will go home before Ella. While I can’t wait to have both our girls here, the idea of separating them is so hard. Raegan continues to be a grumpypants who enjoys escaping her snuggy and perusing around her house. She often has a very grumpy face, and cries more than her sister when she feels she is being disturbed.

Both girls have dark eyes, but you can now see their pupils, where you couldn’t before. It will be interesting to see what colour their eyes turn out. Their big brother had the grayest eyes until they turned dark brown, like mine. The girls also have two dimples each, taking after their Mama.

The girls had a very busy week, we started breastfeeding, and they had their eyes checked. Plus, our daily snuggles, and visits from friends and grandparents.

Can’t wait to see where we are in another month, after all, the girls are 34 weeks gestational age, so an extra month will bring them closer to newborns, and more importantly, closer to home!

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Scream and shout

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Yesterday, Ella had yet another head  ultrasound. Normally, we get bad news right away and good news later in the day.

Our baby girl has been doing so much better; alert and active, stretching and responding to touch. Last week, they told us that her ventricles were down in size, and we exhaled with relief. Yesterday, they told me they were down again and I assumed that we were finally on a clear path of her getting better.

But, today, I said goodnight to the girls and was about to leave when the doctor came in and wanted to speak with me. He had me sit down, Ella’s ultrasound report in hand. Asking me what I knew so far, I recounted our various conversations with another doctor and my understanding of what they all meant.

He drew me a picture of the brain and explained that Ella now has cysts that have formed on her right side, a side that we previously thought had escaped injury and was looking good. Now, the damage is on both sides. He told me almost certainly she will be disabled in some way.

The doctor took me from the room, from the warmth of my girls into the cold back area filled with monitors and staff. He had me sit and he showed me every ultrasound, pointing to every injury. He used medical terms and kept pointing to his head to show where we were looking at my sweet baby’s scans. He told me the name of the injury, but said not to google it. I haven’t, I’ve been too scared.

He went from picture to picture, showing me the past damage and now, the new ones. He talked while I sat, hunched over and mumbling “okay” whenever he paused. He showed me Raegan’s scan to reassure me that her scans were good, but instead it just showed how obvious the difference is. He told me we don’t know what will happen. What will be different, or how severe. He said she may not move properly, or not be able to see, hear, or speak, but said we won’t know until later.

He talked and talked and I wondered what everyone would do if I started screaming or crying or threw the monitors on the floor. Here we sat, surrounded by staff, as he told me more news that I wasn’t even sure how to process.

“What does that mean?” my Dad asked. I have no fucking idea.

I’m home, hours later, but I still feel like I’m sitting there, hunched over, staring at images of my baby girl’s injury and not have any understanding of what’s happening.

Daddy cuddles

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Daddy cuddles with Ella, NICU day 26, February 2, 2014

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Daddy cuddles with Ella, NICU day 26 February 2, 2014

As Jason is still recovering from his surgery, he hadn’t yet held either of the girls. Feeling better, he had his first baby girl cuddles with Miss Ella yesterday.

Since his side is still sore, and he is feeling both a bit anxious and nervous, he decided not to do skin to skin, but still got to hold her wrapped in a blanket. Ella, the budding fashionista that she is, was also rocking an adorably teeny pink onesie t-shirt.

Ella fell asleep in her Daddy’s arms as she received her feed, and stayed there nice and cozy before hopping over to Mama with her sister.