O Sleep, Where Art Thou?

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Remember when you were a teenager and getting up early was any time before 11 AM? How I miss those days; wrapping myself in the covers like a cinnabon bun, oblivious to the outside world.

Jas and I were spoiled with Buds. He slept through the night at two weeks old. Nope, not kidding. That kid is still a good sleeper, and often wants to just lounge in his bed reading books. This morning, after I got him up, he cried, “My bed! My bed!”

So, needless to say it has been a LONG time since my sleep was so disturbed by a child.

The girls spent much of this past week awake at night and fussy. Wanting to be held, fed, burped, anything but sleeping restfully like two chubby angels. The other night they were up from 1:30 to 7:30 AM and then Raegan was up again at 9.

Yup.

I was a zombie, nodding off at random times, and actually able to feel the bags under my eyes.

I have never much been a fan of the old “sleep when the baby sleeps!” advice people pass on at every. single. baby shower. For one, babies have the most random sleep schedules. I hate finally putting your head down on your cool pillow only to have an 8 pounder screaming at you seconds later. I cannot stand the grogginess some naps give you, and they always give me a migraine. But besides all that, I gotsta get shit done.

Let’s say you can actually sleep when the babies do. Now, when are you showering, eating, brushing your teeth, going to the bathroom, getting dressed, checking emails, doing the laundry, making appointments, cooking, relaxing, cleaning, grocery shopping, seeing friends, and uploading your millions of pictures to facebook?

With Buds, I just never found it practical in the beginning to try to have short naps when there was so much to do. Jas was back to work right away and I had to do stuff, like go get diapers.

I know the girls won’t always wake up every few hours in the night,  but when my head hits the pillow each time, I can’t help but dream about my past sleep-filled nights.

Carry me

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When I was pregnant with Buds, we registered for a Bjorn because I figured it was the easiest way to walk the dog since we were living in a high-rise and I didn’t want to deal with a dog and the stroller.

At the time, I had no idea that there was a whole baby wearing movement or that there was a Bjorn versus Ergo debate happening, I just wanted something practical.

Buds and I both loved it, him in the carrier made my life easier, and I ran many an errand with him strapped to me. Also, the baby snuggles weren’t so bad either.

I was bummed when I found out we were having twins that I wouldn’t be able to use a carrier until someone told me there are twin carriers. So, a little google later, and I found the Weego twin. Today, the three of us gave it a try!

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The girls and I trying out our new carrier!

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My view from the top!

80 Days

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Despite knowing the girls would be born early, I had no idea how hard it would be. I really thought they would just be little and would just need time to grow.

Now, when I look back at where we started, it seems like it was so long ago. Ella in particular has come so far and become so strong. There are pictures we chose not to share because of how sick she looked, but as I put together the pictures for the Flipagram, I almost couldn’t remember those days, even though at the time, it felt like we would never see the end.

The girls were in Sunnybrook’s NICU for 80 days. 80 days of packing my bags to go and see them. 80 nights away from them, calling to check how they were doing. 80 days of tears and laughter. 80 days feeling incomplete. 80 days of watching them grow and become beautiful baby girls. 80 days of uncertainty. Now, we only have the future together, but what an incredible, and often scary, start to our journey.

Ella and Raegan’s 80 Days in NICU
http://flipagram.com/f/jSjOtatEHj

Homecoming

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Raegan and Ella home for the first time, March 28th

80 days. It took 80 days, but our girls are finally home! We just tucked them into their new beds and we’re all being serenaded by the river setting on our sleep sheep.

What a surreal moment. It seems obvious that when you have a baby, you bring them home, but after so long, it felt like this day may never come. Finally, it was here, and I couldn’t help but smile as we strolled out of the hospital. I wanted to scream, “LATER SUCKAS!!” but restrained myself for the girls’ sakes, there’s plenty of time to embarrass them later.

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Buds peeks on Raegan, March 28th

It does seem strange to not be packing my lunch and preparing for another day at the hospital; it’s pretty much been all I’ve known for the past 80 days. It’s sad to say goodbye to people who were practically family, though I know we’ll be back in just a few short weeks for follow-up. We were so entrenched, that the staff and fellow parents practically feel like war buddies.

I know I should be terrified, bringing home twins and raising a toddler, but right now I feel at peace, all five of us under the same roof for the first night ever.

Sweet dreams, indeed.

To our adoring public

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We are finally ready to start making our journey home to be with our Mama and Daddy and to meet our big brother Braeden! We also can’t wait to see Twix for the first time, she apparently looks like a lion, whatever that is.

We know that there are so many people looking forward to meeting us, and we just want to let you know a few things about us.

We’re preemies. We may look like newborns, but we were born way too early, and that will effect so much of our future. It’s important to remember where we’ve come from and everything we’ve had to deal with.

We technically have two ages. Our actual age is based on our birth date. Today, we’re just over eleven weeks old! But, we will go by a “corrected” age until we are about three years old. The corrected age is based on our due date, so corrected, we’re one week!

Milestones be dammed (excuse the language, Mummy). Like all babies, we will meet milestones when we’re ready. Don’t forget our brother wasn’t walking until 14 months but was using sentences at 20. Technically, we’re close to three months, but we won’t be rolling over any time soon, since we’re developmentally one week old newborns! Please don’t compare other babies to us, or ask our Mama if we’ve started crawling, babbling, walking, and eating solids; she’ll be so excited she’ll let you know when it happens!

We started out life kind of rough and shouldn’t get sick. We know you’re super excited to meet us, cuddle us,  and play with us, but there’s lots of time to do that, so please don’t visit if you, someone in your family, or someone at work is sick. You could be contagious, and as disappointing as it is, we know you wouldn’t want us to get sick. Even though we may be bigger, there may be times when we aren’t able to go to parties or events because of the risks. The first winter for preemies can be a bit tough.

Sanitizer is your friend. Yes, we’ve heard about sanitizer stripping away good and bad bacteria, but it will help keep us from getting sick. Before you play with us, please wash and sanitize your hands. Please don’t bug our parents about this, just remember you’re helping to keep us healthy and safe!

You may have lots of thoughts on how we can grow big and strong, but we will have lots of doctors appointments where they may tell our parents certain instructions for helping us grow. Our Mama will update you on what’s happening, and please support us as our Mummy navigates different hospitals, doctors, routines, and exercises.

Finally, love us. That’s all we really need.

Can’t wait to meet you all and go on exciting adventures together!

Love,

Ella and Raegan

A place to call home

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So, I admit that it took me a long time to get their room ready, but it’s been a bit nutty! I have hopes for more pictures to go on the walls, but I’d say it’s not too bad for two sweet girls. Naturally, I used our wedding colours of purple and gray for the room because I just LOVED how it looked and chevron may be so trendy, but I like it, so who cares? 🙂

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View from the door

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Right side of room

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Raegan's crib

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Letters decorated by their aunt and cousins!

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Ella's crib

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We’re eleven weeks old!

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Ella and Raegan, NICU day 77

Who knew one week could make such a difference? I’ve been told twins tend to be a week behind in terms of gestational age, which means the girls are pretty much right on target.

This week has been pretty exciting, with some amazing changes. Raegan is now 7 pounds, 1 ounce and Ella is 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Raegan is catching up quickly, and the girls are back on the right growth chart.

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Ella, NICU day 77

Raegan took her NG tube out and as she was doing all bottles, they left it out. Ella still had hers until Monday morning, when she too pulled hers out (I sense a bit of rebelliousness in these girls already). They wanted to put the tube back in, but I pleaded for them to leave it out, knowing my girl could do it. They agreed, though were cautious and told me it would probably need to go back. It didn’t. This girl isn’t about to let them tell her what to do.

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Raegan doing her carseat test, day 77

Raegan was supposed to have her carseat test yesterday, but a bunch of babies were leaving, so she didn’t get a chance. (The test is 90 uninterrupted minutes of them in the carseat, with their breathing and heart rates being monitored). I was told a good majority of babies don’t pass on the first try. Naturally, Raegan nailed it. Ella was going to have her test later in the week, but we figured what the hell and tossed her into it. Of course, proving the naysayers wrong, she did beautifully. With their tests passed, I got to turn their monitors off and unhook their leads.

To celebrate our girls, I took them for a walk in the stroller around the unit. Of course, Ella napped, while Raegan stayed alert and amazed at the new sensation. Our first walk together outside of the tummy!

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Ella and Raegan's first stroll, day 77

I placed Ella on my left and Raegan on my right, and noticed that they turned toward each other, like they knew they were there! I’m curious to see if the girls could be mirror-image twins!

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Raegan says "let's roll, Mama!"

The plan is to be discharged Friday after rounds, which is massively exciting and terrifying at the same time!

Bring on the chaos, ladies!

Date night!

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Yes, we are so mature

We’re literally counting down the days until our baby girls are home with us (there’s been whispers of it being this week) and we just have so much last-minute stuff to do.

This weekend, Jas and I left Braeden with my parents so that we could visit the girls and then head out to grab some much needed supplies for the house and the girls. Our original plan was errands, dinner, and then a movie, but despite my strong desire to see The Muppets (we saw the last one when I was pregs with Buds, so The Muppets and I have a synched schedule), we switched it up!

After braving the mall parking lot and picking up some super exciting things for the house (garbage cans, yay!) as well as grabbing a little something for Buds from the girls, we grabbed dinner. It wasn’t until we sat down that we realized we were in the same booth as our “real” first date, and then I realized that we have come to the same restaurant at so many special moments. First date, my due date with Buds – I was totally having early labour and he was born the next day-, the night we got engaged, and now for the girls’ due/home date. Some may say we’re just boring, but I think we gravitate there for our special moments because it holds so many amazing memories. After dinner, we headed closer to home and over-stuffed our tummies with waffles and ice cream. A welcome change and a chance to actually talk to each other.

After our night out, I took Sunday off from seeing the girls. Of course, I felt terrible about it, but needed to load up on formula and their vitamins, as well as get the house ready. Their room needs one more finishing touch, but it’s ready for two sweet girls to come home, as is our room, which will house their bassinets. Jas got the stroller up and functioning, and the carseats are at the hospital, ready for their first ever car ride, outside of my tummy, of course.

This week will be filled with house cleaning and groceries, and I’m sure last minute runs as I realize I’ve forgotten something essential. We’re planning on having one last meal out, just the three of us before ultimate chaos descends upon our family. I literally cannot wait.

Happy due date, baby girls

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For most parents, the due date is an exciting time; trying to prepare for the unknown, and daydreaming about what your baby will be like.

But, say due date to NICU parents, and it cuts through them like a knife.

When I first found out my due date, before I knew we were having twins, I thought the day was perfect; March 20th, the first day of spring. How sweet to have a spring baby to bring in the warm weather! The thought almost makes me laugh.

Today was just like any other day, a regular Thursday for most people. But, for me, the day has hung over my head for weeks. When the girls were first born, we told everyone they’d be home around their due date, then the doctors told us they might be home before, and I was so excited, and now there is no end in sight yet.

Seeing other parents today in the NICU, they asked after the girls, and my response was, “it’s their due date today,” a sentiment met with head nods and understanding. The girls got extra cuddles and kisses, but I still had to say goodbye, and head home to pick up Buds.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling more and more bummed out, and even started crying the other day on my walk through the halls to the girls’ room, for no other reason then thinking that I can’t believe I’m still here.

While right now March 20th is a heartbreaking day, it won’t be long before the memory of their due date is replaced by first smiles, words, crawls, and adventures. Until then, I will hold my head up and walk those halls.

We’re ten weeks old!

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Ella, day 70 in NICU

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Raegan, day 70 in NICU

So hard to believe that the girls are closing in on three months. Even harder to believe is that our due date is Thursday, but there is still no end in sight for having our girls home.

Raegan has had quite the week, busy with bottles, tummy time, and new fun adventures like a mobile to watch and sitting in a carseat for the first time!

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Raegan tries the carseat for the first time. NICU day 70

Ella is doing well, too, just a bit behind her sister. Raegan took all her feeds except one yesterday by bottle, which is a big step towards coming home. If she can continue to do that, her feeding tube will come out permanently. Ella gets better with bottles every day, but doesn’t always finish them. She is no longer spelling though, and is having more wakeful periods.

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Ella, NICU day 68

Ella is just shy of 7 pounds and Raegan is 6 pounds, 8 ounces so both have passed their minimum weights to go home. They also need to have their feeding tubes out, be bottling at every feed and gaining weight, be off their monitors, and pass carseat tests before they can go home.

After weeks of hearing they could go home early, now I know it will be longer. They have said Raegan could even go home weeks before Ella. The idea that Raegan would be home but Ella would still be here is heartbreaking to say the least.

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Raegan enjoys her mobile, day 69

Last night, I received a letter from Easter Seals asking for money. In it, they described a girl who, at birth, had had a brain injury which the ultrasounds showed the damage could cause cerebral palsy. The similarities between her and Ella made my blood boil. Enraged, I tore up the letter and told Jas it felt like a cruel joke. I’ve never received anything from them before, and it felt like a slap in the face. Obviously, I am in the anger stage and do not begrudge Easter Seals. We may, in fact, need them in the future. Still, even the simplest activities like opening the mail no longer feel safe.

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Ella and Raegan celebrating St Paddy's, day 69