Just call me a kangaroo mom

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I finally got to hold Ella today, and what a cuddle it was!

After coming off all her sedatives, Miss Ella has proven herself to be quite the cranky pants. She spent much of the morning crying until the nurse finally pulled her out of her home and placed her on my chest.

Wrapped in the kangaroo hold (skin to skin with a blanket and hospital gown for warmth), Ella napped peacefully on my chest, even surviving a bout of hiccups during our cuddle. It was amazing to hold my baby girl for the first time and see how long and fuzzy her hair is and how she likes to nap with her mouth open, just like her brother used to when he was teeny. Ella positioned her head nicely with my boob as a pillow, getting mad when I would try to move her. The rest of the afternoon, Ella was calm and quiet, the nurse thanking the mama time for her improved disposition.

In the afternoon, I held Raegan in the same position, and she too had the hiccups. I guess these girls are pretty similar.

Paging: Mom of three?

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It’s been non-stop since the girls were born, trying to figure out schedules and routines. After Buds goes to daycare, Jas drops me at the hospital and I spend the day with the girls, then I get picked up and we get Buds and all head home together for dinner.

I find it hard to feel like a mom in any part of my day. At the hospital, I mostly feel like an assistant, helping to change bums and check temperatures, but always having to check before I do anything with the girls. At home, I’m banned from doing much, including picking up our son, as I recover from my section. So, my nights are pretty much spent as an assistant to my husband, and the rest of the time, I sit, attached to my pump, expressing whatever milk is there.

I pass by the girls’ empty nursery, half ready for when they come home, and it makes me put my hands to my belly, except the girls aren’t there anymore.

I’ve heard from other people in the NICU that it’s hard to find your place among the doctors, nurses, techs, and everyone else wandering into the room, but there are two teeny people who know I’m their mom, and seem to react when I talk and sing to them, or give them a hand cuddle. Hopefully this time will pass quickly and my girls will be all mine – and I guess Jason can share too.

We’re one week old!

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Our baby girls are one week old! What a week it’s been, filled with so much emotion, not a day has gone by where tears weren’t shed, but smiles have abounded as well.

The girls may be identical, but their beginnings have been anything but.

Though small, Raegan is doing so well, and is back at her birth weight. I’ve been able to spend hours cuddling with her and have even checked her temperature and changed her bum (she protested at both). It’s hard to believe I’d be excited to change a diaper, but it made me feel more like her Mama even though I was terrified since she’s so small and there were wires everywhere.  Raegan loves to be sung to, and likes her pacifier,  she’s also sassy and cries when she doesn’t like something.  She’s exclusively on milk and getting 9 ml every two hours. Her hair is so soft and I just discovered she has dimples.

Ella has had a hard time. Though bigger, she has struggled since being born way too early. She had a small pocket of air in her lung, and was diagnosed as having a pneumothorax, same as her Dad, though hers is not genetic and she will most likely not have it again as an adult like he does. A small chest tube was inserted for a few days, but was removed yesterday and her breathing is still really good, often only receiving room air oxygen levels, same as what we breathe. Our beautiful girl also has bleeding in her brain, though it is too soon to know what it means, we’ve been told twice that she may struggle with movement. She has retained fluids and so has looked quite puffy, though that has started to go down. Ella had a long pick inserted today, which is essentially a longer lasting IV so the doctors don’t have to keep poking her. She has mostly been sedated to help with the pain, and has had way too many ultrasounds and x-rays for someone so little. I haven’t been allowed to hold her yet, though I did get to change her bum today. Like her sister, she wasn’t a huge fan. I’m dying to hold her and comfort her, and I’ve been told I can hold her soon. Ella just started eating milk and is up to 4 ml every 2 hours.

I’ve been pumping tirelessly since their birth which is awful. I am not producing nearly enough milk for both girls, but I have milk this time, after having none with Buds. I feel like Jas and I are constantly sterilizing pump parts and I sit around attached to the pump, much like a cow.

Buds has yet to meet his sisters but is practicing their names.

It’s been a long week, but I cannot wait to hold both my girls and tell them how much they are loved already.

What’s in a name?

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Ella Noël, day two

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Raegan Alexandra, day 4

When we found out we were having twin girls, I would often hear from people how lucky we were because it’s so easy naming girls compared to boys.
Let me tell you, naming a person is not easy. You have to not only like a name, but think about your baby growing into an adult and what their personality will be like.

Naming our first kid was hard enough,  let alone naming twins. We didn’t want rhyming names, just two pretty girl’s names that suited them. Trying to agree on something was a whole other matter, as Jason tends to like common names, and I usually go for the more unpopular ones.

Still, we saw early on that the girls had personalities. Twin A always seemed calmer and quieter, while Twin B was feisty from the get-go. So, it gets a tad confusing with the A and B labeling, as B was actually born first.

Raegan Alexandra was born January 7th, 2014 at 7:29 PM and Ella Noël was born three minutes later at 7:32 PM.

As Raegan (Twin B) was always super feisty and mischievous,  we wanted her to have a sassy name that was also strong as she was always smaller in the womb. Her middle name, Alexandra,  is after my grandfather,  Alex.

Ella was always quieter,  and she seemed to fit a sweet, feminine name, a little in contrast to Reagan’s unisex one. Ella is also my great-grandmother’s name. Her middle name, Noël,  is a little more sentimental as I was admitted before Christmas.  As it turns out, this Christmas is one we will not soon forget, and we want our daughter to always be surrounded by the love of family and friends that comes so naturally at Christmastime.

Now, if I can make it through the teenage years without hearing how much they hate their names, I’ll be lucky.

Meeting my baby girls

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Though Jason got to meet the girls right away and even got to hold their hands, I had to wait way longer than I could stand.

After seeing the girls on ultrasound so often and carrying them almost thirty weeks, I was dying to meet them. Right after delivery,  I spent a sleepless night worrying about the girls and hand expressing.

At 6 AM the day after delivery,  my nurse came in to give me meds and check to see how floppy my legs were. Officially able to feel below the waist, I asked to see the girls. After a brief struggle, I eventually stood. My nurse looked at me, said I was turning blue, and made me lie back down.

Finally at lunch, my mom and Jason wheeled me down to the NICU and I got to meet my baby girls, though separated by incubator. 

Seeing my two girls, so small, smaller than I had ever imagined, was amazing and terrifying at the same time. It tugged at my heart to see them with IVs and tubes attached to them, and though I was dying to hold them, I’d have to wait another day before I could.

Trade you; waffles for babies

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On the coldest day we’ve had in years, our girls decided they’d had enough and wanted out of their swimming pool.

Monday night, their tracings were normal and we expected to be home Tuesday. Tuesday morning came and my lovely nurse came to do my tracing early so I could get on home. Ironically,  this was the same nurse who admitted me back in November.

Unexpectedly, the tracing was not great. The heartbeats were indistinguishable and often dropped. The tracing also showed several cord pinches.  Concerned, they sent me for an ultrasound and ordered me not to eat or drink anything.

Shortly after my ultrasound,  the team came in for rounds (which feels a little like you’re an exhibit at the museum, with so many people staring at you) and explained that they were concerned and that I might be delivering that day.  I called Jas who came over much too quickly for someone recovering from a chest tube.

Several hours passed without any decisions being made. My doctor was concerned and explained to us what might happen. Around 2 PM I was hooked up for tracing again, which continued to show drops and pinches,  and I started having contractions.  At that point, the decision was made and we were sent off to the birthing unit.

I was given magnesium for the girls’ brain development which the nurse told me quite frankly would make me feel like crap (she was not kidding) as well as a round of antibiotics. Then, we waited. We kept being told ten more minutes until they finally wheeled me off to the OR and Jas went to scrub up.

Nothing could have prepared me for the actual c section. Even though we had seen the OR on our tour,  sitting on the operating table, naked except for a flimsy hospital gown, alone and worried was the single worst feeling of my life. I couldn’t help but cry as they administered the spinal tap and NICU  doctors kept peering in at me through the window to see if we had started.

Eventually the doctors were ready and Jas came in, complete with face mask and hair covering, worried and anxious.  The section started and I was pushed,  pulled, tugged at, and cut until the girls were taken out one at a time.

They would tell me when each girl was born, but there was no crying as they were rushed into the next room to be stabilized.  I watched above me on the monitors as the smallest babies I had ever seen laid on incubators with dark hair on their heads.

Jason ran to see them and took pictures while I was put back together.  He showed me proudly the girls and talked to the doctors while I lay helplessly,  tears flowing freely as I lay, arms stretched out.

We were told that the girls’ umbilical cords were quite tangled, possibly explaining the sudden need to deliver. We declined the offer to see the cords as the idea of seeing them tied up made me feel sick to my stomach.

Eventually we were moved to the recovery room where my legs felt like floppy jello and before I ate anything,  I was being asked to express my colostrum. As I lay wrapped in a heated blanket, Jason called the grandparents to tell them of the new arrivals and found out where the girls would be going.

So, in the end I never got my waffles,  but I did get something just as sweet.

Oh, babies babies

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I think these girls are trying to tell me to stop making plans as every time I do, something else gets in the way. Just when I was excited to get the three of us back home, I find myself back in the hospital. 

Thinking today would be a normal doctor visit and ultrasound,  I asked Jas to tag along to see the girls in action.  Everything was going smoothly until my Dr sent me for a non-stress test to monitor the babies. The girls were cuddled in together nice and tight, literally positioned heart to heart.

The monitoring showed several heart rate drops and was near impossible to get two separate heart rates. So, with our girls best interests in mind, I’m back at the hospital overnight to be monitored again.

I’ve already finished one NST and the girls did swimmingly, so Jas has promised me breakfast tomorrow when I get released.

I can taste the waffles now. Mmm, waffles.

Belly update! Week 29

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We keep on trucking and have made it to week 29! The girls are both about the size of an acorn squash and continue to grow. My stomach is not only massive but often looks similarly to that famous scene in Alien,  with someone dying to get out.

Apparently at this time the babies’ brains can control the body’s temperature and they can move their eyes while the rest of them keeps getting stronger, and to be frank, fatter.

Even more exciting,  we only have 22 days until our scheduled c-section!

Happy New Year, baby girls

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Dear baby girls,

2013 was a year full of ups and downs – your brother got bigger and amazed us every day with his humour and intelligence, Mama and Daddy got married, and we found out we were having you, but, we also lost people we love and faced some mountains that seemed impossible to climb.

But 2014 is your year. This year you’ll be born and you’ll discover so much. You’ll laugh and cry, coo and babble,  crawl and walk, try new foods and meet lots of people who love you.

Daddy and I know you will grow up to do amazing things, as will your brother. We know that you will fill our home and our hearts with even more love and light. We know that you may start life out small but that you will grow stronger every day and you will continue to be strong, beautiful,  intelligent women

This is your year, babies, we’re just here to catch the show.

With all my love and hope for your futures,

Mama

xoxo

Leave a penny, take a penny

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The end of 2013 has definitely kicked our asses. With me being in the hospital and chaos occurring at home, I was thrilled to be released from HRO. Not even home a week and the ice storm evicted us from our home, meaning we got to spend Christmas in a hotel. A week later we finally got power back and our hot water tank combusted, needing to be completely replaced and evicting us again for almost an extra week.

Now, New Year’s Eve we find ourselves back at Sunnybrook,  as my husband’s lung collapsed and I decided to head to triage to monitor the babies at 9 PM, because I’m here, right?

We’re pretty convinced that there is a pox on our house and it bums me out and pisses me off to no end that I can’t enjoy my time at home due to our snowball effect.

I can only hope that our luck changes come midnight and our girls experience better fortune than we have the last few weeks.

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Jas gets saucy in emerg. Back off, he’s mine! 🙂