So this is Christmas

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sunnybrook ChristmasChristmas has been my favourite time of year since as long as I can remember. The decorating, twinkling lights everywhere, and just the general feeling in the air are something I look forward to every year. After moving from a too-small apartment to a teeny semi, I was excited to put up lights outside and decorate inside, to actually host some Christmas get-togethers and cook and bake my pregnant ass off.

Sadly, my Christmas is being spent in the hospital with a bunch of other pregnant women who are all scared and lonely, and sad to be missing out. Sunnybrook actually has a Christmas tree (and Menorah!) in the lobby of the hospital, which I’ve put up here. It’s not home, and those are not my ornaments that I have collected over the years and have countless memories attached, but it’s still pretty, and it’s nice to have a tree to sit near when I waddle down to the lobby for a bit.

I think it would be hard to be stuck in the hospital for two months at any time during the year, but missing Christmas is especially hard with my Buds at home. Since I had a bit of warning, I did all the shopping, wrapping, and tagging so that the husband just has to hand out gifts, and I took Buds to see Santa so I wouldn’t miss that. I know that he won’t remember this, but part of me wonders if in 25 years, he’ll be chatting with a therapist about the time his mom ruined Christmas for the whole family.

On top of the holidays, our entire family (Mom, Dad, sister, brother-in-law, friends, and friends’ babies) have birthdays in December, which I will also miss, and this year is my Mom’s 65th. Granted, she’s getting two more grandkids, but that kind of feels like a cop-out gift, doesn’t it?

I am slowly going crazy….

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It has only been five days since I was admitted to the hospital. I say only lightly as it easily feels like 100.

I wonder how long it takes being stuck inside before someone actually loses it. I am in no way an outdoorsy person, and God knows I hate the cold, but what I wouldn’t give to just walk down the street, peruse the grocery store, take the dog for a walk in the park. Trapped in my little cubicle size portion of a room, no window and dreadful lighting may actually start giving me seasonal affect disorder since our room constantly feels like a gray, rainy day in the middle of November.

I understand why I’m here, but it’s like my mind, body, heart, and soul are fighting each other in an attempt to flee. Having a roommate was hard enough in university, and even living with Jas can be difficult, but we put up with each other since we know how to make it work. Constantly having to deal with someone else’s phone calls, visits, food, music, and personality makes me feel like I’m 12 years old again, especially since I can’t leave without permission.

I think the reason I am so absolutely desperate to leave is that I have myself utterly convinced that everything with the babes will be fine and they won’t be delivered until 32 weeks, so there’s no need for me to be here. Oh, and the curtains are just awful.

Getting to know you

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Baby A Baby B

The one thing I will say about my constant ultrasounds and monitoring is that I’ve really started to see distinct personalities emerging from my wee cantaloupes.

Buds had a personality in utero that included constant kicking, dancing to music, and becoming really excited whenever I had fruit. All of those things are still true now as a toddler. We used to get into poking wars for fun towards the end of my pregnancy.

These two little ladies have already seemed to develop personalities of their own, even though they weigh only slightly more than a pound. They may be identical, but their attitude towards living in my easy bake oven seems totally different.

Meet Twin A, she’s the one you’ll find nestled in my side, often turning peacefully, but usually hiding. Her sister, Little Miss Twin B, is a trouble. maker. Seriously. Feisty as can be, whenever she is expected to perform in her ultrasound checks, she swims away and does everything to avoid the camera. She’s also much more active, constantly kicking and punching me.

While both girls seem to have already started developing their unique personalities and life perspectives, they are also already fighting. One ultrasound showed Twin A kicking her sister, while Twin B punched back.

Really makes a mama proud.

Leaving Buds

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Buds hospital trucksI cannot imagine there’s too many mamas who would be ok with leaving their children at home for an extended hospital stay. Not knowing how long I’ll be in here, not knowing how much and what I’ll miss is hard.

I’m thankful that Buds is in a good age, he is not so little that I may miss a big milestone like first word or first steps, but he’s also not going to remember this time and doesn’t think I’ve abandoned him.

Every visit and phone call I get from him help me feel like he hasn’t forgotten me, and Jas is always quick to text me pictures and stories, but it’s definitely not the same as being home and tucking him in bed every night.

As he tottles off to leave, with a wave and a “bye bye, Mama,” I’m thankful that he’s so adaptable to be able to stay with Grandma and Papa and not scream that he’s leaving me, but it’s also just one hug too few to make me feel better.

Hospital visits!

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Hospital visits!

Jas came to visit me and took his job helping to keep the babies’ heartbeats monitored VERY seriously. They seem to behave best when Daddy’s around, which just isn’t fair.

Jas brought Buds today and he helped to smooth the monitor on my belly and even held my hand. Having my boys visit definitely helps to pass the time, even if I am spending it with my belly hanging out like a giant basketball!

A pregnancy lost, a pregnancy gained

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When we first found out I was pregnant, I quickly did some calculations and realized I’d be due in March. I daydreamed about hosting my first Christmas after moving from our tiny apartment, with an ever-expanding belly, having lots of time to explain to Buds what was happening, time to decorate a new nursery, and one last birthday for Buds on his own, no siblings. When we found out that the pregnancy would not only be shortened, but would also mean being admitted to the hospital before Christmas, and dealing with lots of extra complications, this bummed me out.

I loved being pregnant the first time, and was looking forward to such a special time again. I’m still super disappointed that we have to deliver via C-section, and I’m nervous about essentially undergoing surgery with two extra teeny tiny humans to keep safe, in addition to everything else.

But, I decided that these babies are special and that, it wouldn’t matter what I needed to do to keep them safe, I would just do it. So, I decided to start dressing my bump and thinking about the future as a party of five. I even had maternity shots done right before heading to the hospital so that we would always remember this time. I’m glad that this is not my first pregnancy, and I’m lucky that I was able to experience a great pregnancy. Instead of focusing on what I’m losing, I try every day to remember just exactly what we’re gaining. Pretty easy thing to do when you get to watch your babies on ultrasound, swimming and kicking each other, and listen to their fast beating hearts, growing stronger every day.

Off to hospital we go…

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Google mono mono twins and the first thing that pops up is survival rates. Terrifying. When I found out we were having mono mono twins, I googled the crap out of that before seeing my doctor. just so I had some kind of idea what to ask and expect.

Sadly, my doctor confirmed most of what I had seen; that momos are more likely to experience difficulties because their cords can tangle so easily, which can prevent them from growing and receiving blood flow, that many patients are admitted to the hospital at 24 weeks, that they must be delivered via C-section, and that the latest they can go is 32 weeks to help prevent them from tangling too much and getting caught.

So, for the past 13 weeks, I have spent every Monday getting ultrasounds to check on them, and then following up with my doc. We’ve had a few challenges to overcome. For awhile, it really felt like every week was some more bad news. Twin B has a two-vessel cord, instead of the usual three, which can be linked to kidney and heart problems, and some believe can be related to Downs. A fetal echo later showed that she’s doing just fine, and the ultrasound techs love her special cord because without it, they would have no clue who the hell each baby was. Twin A also has shown to have a smaller corpus callosum, the part of the brain linking the two hemispheres together, which can also be related to disabilities.

But, the girls are growing well, and at 24 weeks, here I sit at Sunnybrook (http://sunnybrook.ca/content/?page=women-babies-obstetrics-gynaecology) constantly monitoring and checking on the little cantaloupes growing inside. Each just slightly over a pound, I am determined that they will cook in my oven as long as possible. At 24 weeks, babies born now only have about 50% survival rate, and twins find it particularly hard as they are already more likely to experience health concerns. With each week, the babies grow bigger, start looking more like the cute little things old ladies love to coo over, and have a higher chance of not only surviving, but thriving. I am so thankful to be in such amazing care, though who wants to be stuck in the hospital? Every now and then, a little baby will cry out or be wheeled down the hall, and it’s hard not to get teary-eyed imagining my little girls doing the same.

Surprise, surprise

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girlsWith our first pregnancy, we both knew that we wanted to find out the baby’s sex. While I was convinced we were having a girl, I had a dream after all!, Jason said from the beginning it was a boy. And of course, he was right, typical. Anyway, we found out together, smushed in the little room, staring at the screen as the ultrasound tech announced it was a boy. I was thrilled to know and wouldn’t change that amazing moment for the world as we began discussing names right then and there.

As we discussed having a second baby, I thought I’d like to be surprised. Not finding out if we had another boy or a girl to add to the family until Jason would excitedly shout out, “it’s a girl/boy!” before I got to hold them. Jas has always wanted to know and swore to me he would keep the secret (yah, right.) With the discovery of twins, this changed a few things. I still considered keeping it a surprise, but as I thought more about how difficult this pregnancy has been and how I’ve found myself staring at my belly, worried and anxious, I decided that I would like to know too, for something to look forward to.

Jas, concerned that something might happen to the babies, thought maybe we shouldn’t, that it would be hard to know if we lost them, but I the positive one, reassured him that this was nonsense and he should listen to me. So he did. Naturally.

Jas is busily wrapping up his last year in school, and our appointments just never seemed to match up to his schedule, so we never found ourselves smushed in the room together. I refused to find out on my own, despite my tech taunting me with “I know what you’re having!” because it just took away from the specialness. And we needed something special.

Jason became more anxious, wanting to know and asked me to have one of my nurses write down the gender for me to give to him or to just find out and tell him. But, I’m sneaky. Jason’s birthday was coming up, and despite my planning, he always discovers his surprise plans. So I asked them to write down the sex of the babies for me, to give to Jas on his birthday. And then, I did what any good wife would do, I lied. I told him they wouldn’t do that, that we would have to wait until he could come with me. He was mad at me for not finding out, but I dealt with it.

Then, after all the gifts were unwrapped, and after we’d had our celebratory meal out, just before ordering dessert. I slipped my hand into my purse and pulled out an envelope. I turned to him, and said, “I have one more surprise for you” and slipped him the envelope as I have seen countless actors do when bribing people on TV.

“Is this the babies?” he asked, excitedly. I nodded, already tears in my eyes. He ripped it open, and together, we pulled open the letter, to find out we were having …….

GIRLS! Twin baby girls. I cried, Jason was in shock, and now I can say good morning to my two little ladies, and I could finally start buying a few things!

“WTF is a momo?”

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momo

If you’re like me, you had no idea that twins went much beyond identical and fraternal. Since we have not a one set of twins in my family, I didn’t really ever think about it. Turns out that there’s four levels of  twins and as they move up a level, the more risky the pregnancy. Here are the basic facts about twins that you’ve been dying to know.

Fraternal: Almost like two separate pregnancies happening at once. Each baby is in their own placenta and their own sac. Usually happens within the first 3 days of conception because the Mama has more than one egg. Mixed gender twins are always fraternal. Interestingly enough, fraternal twins can still look super alike. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, for example, are fraternal twins.

Identical: Happening within the first 8 days of gestation, identical twins share a placenta, but are each in their own sac. Identical twins are always the same gender, either two boys, or two girls, despite people asking if your mixed gender twins are identical.

Momo (Monoamniotic, monochorionic): Identical twins formed between days 8 and 13, the babies not only share a placenta, but also a sac. This can lead to several problems, but mostly has a high risk of the cords tangling or one baby not growing while the other thrives. Googling mono mono twins when I first found out terrified me to the point of tears.

Conjoined twins: I obviously knew about conjoined twins, but only recently learned of how close mono mono twins can be to becoming conjoined. Happening between days 13 and 15, they are the highest risk, but thankfully, the least common form of twins.

So there you have it, the basic info on momo twins, just like the ones I’m carrying in my big belly!