Twins in the NICU :: Our 80-Day Journey Home – Twiniversity

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Sometimes I forget exactly what our time in the NICU was like. The specifics and all the challenges we had.  It felt like it went on forever while the girls were there, but now it seems the time flew by.

When I sat down to write our NICU story for Twiniversity,  I thought about each day, each up, each down. I thought about the nurses, doctors, and staff. I thought about when I couldn’t hold the girls, and more importantly when I could.

It’s hard to fit it all in one post, to convey every feeling, but, here is our 80 day journey home, the 80 days that started it all. The extra 80 days I had to get to know my baby girls and myself as a mother.

http://twiniversity.com/2015/01/twins-nicu-80-day-journey-home/

Battle of the bulge

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I’ve written about my jelly belly several times since the girls have been born. I wish I was one of those women who was like; “Oh! All I did to lose the baby weight and fit into my size zero jeans was breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is the best diet ever!” However, simply put, I am not.

I have never been a size zero, and will never be. That’s okay, but what’s not okay is just feeling shitty about the way I look. Staring longingly at my closet and trying to find something that won’t show the back flabs my bra gives me.

After Buds, I was the heaviest I have ever been so I did Weight Watchers and lost almost 60 pounds and felt awesome – then went and got myself knocked up with twins and so long fabulous new body. With the girls in the NICU, I ate my feelings and couldn’t curb the habit once they were home. I tried Weight Watchers then but couldn’t find the time to track and it just fell apart.

But, now we’re on a schedule and I have the time and the desire. I have 20 pounds to go before I’m back to my pre – girls bod, but it’s less about the number and more about the feeling. The hell yah these pants look good feeling!

Maybe if I write about my battle, I’ll feel motivated to keep it up? Here’s to round three and saying so long to this jelly belly!

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The start of the journey. Down two pounds already! January 18, 2015

Bringing up God – less babies

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Given that it’s 2015, I’m still pretty amazed about the assumptions we make on a daily basis; gender identity,  sexual orientation,  marital status, even the amount of money we have. But, I really don’t know why we’re still assuming other people’s religious and spiritual beliefs.

I don’t think we can say that North America is primarily Judeo – Christian anymore. Toronto cannot be given how multicultural this city is, yet people always assume I believe in God and I’m Christian. 

Sorry there, folks, you’re two for two. I was raised Christian and did the whole church on Sunday thing, but as I grew older and had questions and started to think and analyze, I decided that religion just wasn’t for me.

This post isn’t about bashing others’ beliefs but, instead, insisting I get respect for mine.

Mono mono twins are constantly referred to as miracles. Prayers are asked for and given. But you know what? I don’t want your prayers and there was no miraculous intervention that saved my girls,  it was amazingly dedicated, intelligent staff who knew what was wrong and made essential life-saving decisions. And they fought. So, no, it wasn’t God who brought them home, it was them. My girls. They wanted to live. And your prayers?  If they make you feel better or more in control,  awesome, but I’d much prefer you call me or check in on us.

So many times when I’m out and about, random people say God has blessed me and blesses the girls. Really? OK,  whatever.  It seems that it’s fine for them to push their beliefs on me but God forbid (see what I did there?), I say something like “no, thanks, we don’t want to go to your babies and bible class” or “nope, they sure aren’t baptized!” I become the world’s worst mother.

But, how does religion make you a good mum? I don’t believe in God; therefore I can’t possibly understand love, sacrifice,  and I have nothing to teach my children?  I could go into the many ways that that is wrong, but instead, I offer Buds as an example.  The kid is (mostly) well behaved and well mannered. He asks questions about everything and I answer as best I can. I teach him about different countries,  people, and religions. Yes, I teach him about religion because to understand the world, you must understand the people who live in it. He is too young to understand the attacks on my beloved Paris, but one day he won’t be, and I won’t lie to him. Should my children choose to believe in or practice a religion, I will ask them questions, but support them wholeheartedly.  Maybe I’ll have a Muslim son, a (converted) Jewish daughter,  and an agnostic daughter. How fun would family dinners be?!

So, if you really believe that I have failed as a mother because I don’t believe in God,  maybe you should pray on it.

The making of a year

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Since the girls were born, I’ve been taking pictures of them and keeping track of every day. After they were born ten weeks early and spent 80 days in the NICU, every day seemed special, even the days where we really didn’t do much at all.

Until the girls were born, I didn’t really get how the scariest day of your life could also be one of the happiest. Then, only a few days later, we almost lost Ella. She has spent more time with doctors and at appointments in her first year than most adults do their whole lives.

In fact, the girls have been to five hospitals this year for various services. Five hospitals in one year. But, they still smile and giggle and welcome each new day. We could really learn a few things from these ladies.

In honour of their birthdays, I compiled many of my photos to show how far the girls have come. I tear up every time I watch it because it’s been an amazing journey already, and they’re only one!

I hope that you have enjoyed being part of our adventures, and that this video brings you smiles, but I warn you in advance;  it may bring on the feels.

Preemie twins’ first year: http://youtu.be/5xhdYm3HSb4

We’re one year old!

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One year old! Ella and Raegan, day 366 January 7, 2015

Wow, one year! I can’t believe how fast the time has gone by and how long ago their births seem.

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The girls are only nine months corrected so I decided to forego a big first birthday bash and instead keep it simple with just dinner and cupcakes tonight. My plan is to celebrate their one year home in March when they’ll be a little more into it.

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Cupcakes by The Cupcake Shoppe, Toronto

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We don’t go to the doctor until next week so I’m not sure of the girls’ weights but Ella is getting heavy and hauling their car seats around is getting brutal. Raegan still seems so teeny tiny compared to her sister,  but sassy nonetheless.

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Raegan digs into her cupcake

Raegan has four teeth that have fully come through and about another four poking out of her gums. She’s crawling and can stand holding onto something,  but instead of pulling herself up, she just randomly tries to stand up to see what happens. She loves food,  especially feeding herself, but has really pushed back against milk. I’ve started transitioning the girls to homo/whole milk but she’s just not super interested in liquids.

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Ella rocks her fancy party hat from Etsy

Ella has three teeth and a few more ready to come out. She is currently trying to roll over from her back and tries to sit herself up. The last couple of days she’s started to lean over her high chair to feed herself and play with her toys. Her cheeks are always pink and she loves getting smooches on them.

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Buds is pretty happy about his sisters' birthdays - it means his is next!

The girls are both pretty vocal and chat constantly.  They’re also super empathetic; they don’t like it when the other is upset, and they still hold hands in their highchairs, which is heart warming to say the least.

We’ve had a wild ride this year and  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for my sweet girls.

Is there a holiday after the holidays?

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Now, don’t get me wrong, I am the most Christmassy person there is. I look forward to it every year and do my best to make it special.

But, man it’s exhausting.

People without kids can at least get a couple of days to recover; sleep, binge watch Netflix, while us parents March into January bleary eyed and contemplating escaping on the next flight to Fiji.

I would guess that as we get older, we feel the tiredness more, but it also feels like every year gets busier – more people (especially kids) to shop for, more errands, visits, and things to do. I must say that my total exhaustion has kept me from thinking too much about the fact that the girls turn one this week, but not entirely. (They turn one on Wednesday.  Wednesday!!!!)

It’s hard to believe that I haven’t slept through the night in over a year. I couldn’t sleep in the hospital, when the girls were in the NICU, I was waking up to pump, and then the girls came home and either don’t like sleep much or just not their mama because the nights they’ve both slept through have been few and far between and now Buds is waking up at 4 in the morning ready to play and all I can think about is a big fluffy bed on a deserted island I can escape to for a week. Actually,  make it a month.

I’m entering this year a bit sleepy, but hopeful. Especially hopeful for new beginnings, good doctor appointments,  and some blissfully uninterrupted sleep.

Reflections of a year

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In only a few hours it will officially be a new year. Some who had a year like ours may say good riddance to 2014, but this year, though filled with many challenges, brought me two sweet baby girls.

Everyone keeps sharing their years on Facebook and I watched mine to see the random pictures that would pop up. In no way did it really represent my year. WordPress also sent me my year in review, but since the blog is all my words, it provided a much better reflection of the year. There were ups, and boy were there downs, but it was my year, and I got to spend it with some pretty cool kids.

On New Year’s Eve last year, Jason was in the hospital with a collapsed lung and I was being monitored because the girls were having a very quiet day. I had no idea then what this year would hold just like I don’t know what will happen in the coming year.

I would change a lot of things if I could;  the girls being mono mono, being born premature,  Ella’s injury. But, I don’t have that power and wishing a different past only prevents enjoying the future. The girls turn one (!) in just a week and the year will be filled with fun and surprises.

Happy new year, may 2015 bring love, laughter,  and light, and may we all experience the best kinds of adventures.

Our first Christmas

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Well if the babies aren’t exhausted from their first Christmas,  I sure am. Probably why it’s taken me almost a week to write about it!

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Santa came with stockings!

Since my family has four birthdays in December plus Christmas,  the celebrations last almost all month. We visited the 12 decorated Christmas trees at the Gardner Museum, went to the ROM, the zoo, ate lots of goodies, and went to Buffalo! Plus we were at my sister’s for Christmas Eve and my parents’ Christmas Day. Phew. No wonder I’m so sleepy.

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Buds digging into his stocking

My family has always had a Christmas tradition; stockings, which were more like Santa sacks, then a huge breakfast, followed by presents and a big dinner. The tradition continues though it does get a bit modified every year according to schedules. We worked around nap schedules and all three kids had some individual time opening presents. Of course they were all spoiled and the girls had a lovely first Christmas dressed up to the nines.

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Happy Ella on Christmas Day

As Braeden says, Santa time is over and there are no more presents.  But that’s OK.  In two days it will be 2015 and the girls’ first  birthday is right around the corner, which I cannot believe.

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Raegan having breakfast

I can’t help but think about last year, the uncertainty around the girls’ arrival, and of course I thought of those families whose babies were spending their first Christmases in the NICU with staff who gave up their own family time to care for them. We made it through last Christmas and we had this Christmas together because of all the amazing people who cared for our girls. I am eternally grateful for that.

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Raegan opening a present!

Miss Ella’s middle name is Noël,  of course meaning Christmas.  It’s not just a beautiful name, but has a beautiful feeling associated with it, something I wanted Ella and those around her to feel year round. With her chubby cheeks and boisterous giggle it’s hard not to get that warm fuzzy feeling.

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The three ladies

This Christmas was way over the girls’ heads, but will always be special to me and everyone else around them.  Given the beginning of their lives, getting to celebrate is rather easy and is extra special. As we approach their first birthday,  it’s hard not to reminisce about the beginning and how far away these special moments felt. Now, the NICU seems far away and almost like we’re approaching normal life.

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Miss Ella Noël

Now, as the celebrations, presents,  and year come to an end, I am ecstatic of how far they’ve come and only a bit exhausted.  OK, a lot, but it’s all been worth it.

‘Twas the night before Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and this mama reflected
This time last year, Christmas felt quite neglected.
As we trudged through the city looking for lodging,
The ice storm we were constantly dodging.

To the hospital we went on Christmas morning
For the babies’ daily monitoring.
Mama filled with wonder when they would make their debut-
Christmas babies or would we make it to 32?

Then on the seventh, the coldest day to remember
The babies were born, we’d made it out of December!
Mama tears up as she spots their first diapers in life
And to think, the girls are now nine times their birth size!

Now, as the girls lay snug in their beds,
Dreaming of ripping wrapping paper to shreds
Mama sips on her nog and makes wishes instead
May you giggle and grow, laugh til you cry,
Travel the world and drink fine wines.

But, most of all, may you know love and be loved in return
For, sweet babies, that is life’s biggest concern.
On this your first Christmas,  filled with wonder and light
You’ve fought hard this year, with all of your might.

Not every story has a happy ending
But every day, mamas and daddies’ hearts are mending.
When we hold our babies like kangaroos
It doesn’t matter they were born too soon.

On your first Christmas, my sweet babies
It won’t be long til you are little ladies.
It’s been a hard year, filled with laughter and tears
But my love for you will grow with each passing year.

So, as Mama retires to her bed for a slumber
There’s one final thought, filled with love and wonder-

Merry Christmas,  sweet babies, and to all others, of course!

She works hard for her Cheerios

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I would guess that most parents take “normal” baby things for granted. It’s expected that your baby will not only meet developmental milestones, but will exceed at them and every parent hopes that their baby is the first to do everything.  Raegan is surpassing her brother’s milestones and is closer in development to her actual age than corrected.

Ella meets all of her cognitive milestones and the girl is with it. She definitely knows what is up. But, she’s had a rough go in terms of movement.  Seeing the two girls together, Ella is so much bigger than itty bitty Raegan but Raegan can actually do laps around her. Things that are normal for babies- rolling over, using both hands,  turning her head, feeding herself- are really hard for Miss Ella. She does her exercises with a smile and a giggle but still struggles.

Today, sitting in her high chair, Ella grabbed a handful of Cheerios and shoved them into her mouth. For babies like Raegan that’s no big deal, but this was the first time for Ella and I was so proud, I actually started clapping.  She looked at me like I’m a crazy person- she’s not wrong- but I was so excited.  Then,  at dinner she grabbed some puffs. It’s still not easy but she’s trying and she is going to show the world exactly what she can do.

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Ella hanging in her high chair, day 340