We’re two years old!

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Two years old! Ella and Raegan January 7, 2016

Just slightly over two years ago the girls were born; Raegan at 7:29 and Ella at 7:32 PM. I had no idea then the journey we were about to embark on, but I am thankful for every day.

I am always amazed at the girls and their bond. Their personalities really are as if one person were cut in half, with Raegan taking over the crazy, manic half and Ella the calm, giggly sunshine half. Together, they create one person and it’s no wonder when they’re separated they look around asking, “Ella?” “Raegan?”

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Raegan

Both girls woke up very happy this morning, singing each other happy birthday and Ella excitedly said, “happy birthday, Raegan!” Their love of music is infectious, with their current favourite being the alphabet song. They know all the letters and sing along. If I try to sing a different song, they say no! ABC song!  They know the words to so many songs and it warms my heart.

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Ella

Ella was diagnosed with a language delay, but I don’t see it. Her language comprehension and vocabulary are amazing to me, as are Raegan’s.  For a girl who suffered a brain injury, she proves herself to be extremely resilient and smart every day. She will do big things, I know it.

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Raegan opens her present!

Raegan’s favourite word right now is mine, and though she is not great with sharing, she always thinks of Ella. If Raegan asks for a cracker, she gets one for Ella too and excitedly runs it over to her.

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Roly poly Ella!

Ella gets stronger every day. She sleeps on her tummy and in the morning when I ask her to roll back to Mama,  she does, then giggles. We love to get on the floor and roll around and play.

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Ella ponders the meaning of life

I can’t believe that I have two year old girls with all the sass in the world. Especially when I think about how small they were when they were born. But then again, Raegan wiggled out of her huggie several times when she was less than three pounds, so I can only imagine how the next year will be, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Sleepy Raegan has a moment

To my girls on the eve of their second birthdays

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Dear baby girls,

Tomorrow you turn two, and though it seems like only yesterday you were born, you are no longer babies, but becoming two strong-willed ladies. I’ve watched you grow every day, from two tiny bums on an ultrasound machine to sassy, bright eyed girls wanting to explore the world.

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Raegan's hand two days after birth January 9, 2014

As your birthday comes, know that you are so special, to so many. You remain in the hearts of those you have touched – your teachers, therapists, doctors, nurses, family, and friends. There’s a reason the kids so excitedly yell your names when they see us in the neighbourhood, you allude happiness and sunshine from your very cores.

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Ella, one day old January 8, 2014

Know this, today and every day, that you are strong and brave. You have fought hard, when you were smaller than most, so small that the smallest preemie diapers were too big, so small that your body could fit in my hand. Yet, you fought like Goliath, showing everyone just how much strength you have. And in doing so, made me so proud to be your Mama.

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Raegan cuddling with Mama

Know that we will get through it all together, just like we did before. Together, the three of us faced every ultrasound appointment, every day living at the hospital, every heartbeat, every up, and every down. Together we have conquered appointment after appointment and we will conquer each one in the future together. We will show them exactly what we are made of, and you will help me find the strength to do so.

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Three of a kind!

Know that you are kind; that you have experienced some of the worst days, the worst moments, the worst news, yet your smiles light up the room, your kindness to each other will extend to others, and you will understand those days like not many others can.

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First day home from the NICU March 28, 2014

Know that you are so special; despite the odds, you made it, and your bond amazes me. You are two halves of a whole and I get to watch as you love each other and your brother so much. No one else has your story, and that is amazing. You have unique stories, and as you grow, you will learn how special you are, how unique, and how incredible that is.

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One year old! January 7, 2015

Know that you are beautiful. Today and every day, you are so beautiful.  It will be harder and harder to remember that as you get older, but I will do my best as your mum to remind you and show you how to remind yourself of your inner and outer beauty. In doing so, I hope that I can remind myself of my own, because we will learn new things together, and I will learn as much from you as you will from me.

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18 months old! July 7, 2015

And lastly, know that you are so loved. Every day, you are loved.  You have been loved since before you were born, and you will be loved always. You will know pain and you will hurt, but you will always be loved, by me and by so many who are lucky to know you.

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Celebrating turning 2! December 2015

My sweet girls, my brave girls, my loves, my life; happy birthday to the strongest,  sassiest, happiest, silliest, sweetest girls I know. We have been to hell and back together and have come out the other side better for it, and as a family. May this year bring new adventures, new explorations, and new challenges, and may you always know your place in my heart.

xoxo
Mama

The new year doesn’t erase the old one

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Despite what people believe, when the clock strikes twelve January first, the past is not immediately forgotten or erased; a new year begins, but not with a clean slate. We unfortunately do not live in a romantic comedy where that ball drop leads to the love of our life,  the answer to our problems, a dream job, or just general insane, absolute happiness.

In fact, nothing changes that fast. We all look forward to the year, hoping, wishing, that something will change. That there will be love, happiness, adventures in our future.  That we will be appreciated more, that we can work less, that we will get married, or have a baby, or finally write that screenplay. Whatever our heart and soul desire, that maybe – finally – a new year will bring it. Sure, we lament the night; the crowds, the cost, the hype, but there is always a part of us that wants this year to be better.

But, we’re not going into it unscathed;  our scars, our losses, our struggles still exist. We still carry our pain, our burdens over into the new year. We hold onto our hurt and hold it in our hearts, but pretend it isn’t there. We act hopeful and joyful and yet, our smiles are not as bright, our laughs not as hearty, and our hearts not as full.

We don’t know each other’s struggles, we don’t know what story has come before. What hides behind, underneath, tucked away where we hope no one will find it.

So, as we greet each other and offer wishes and hope for the new year, inquire about holidays and plans, let us remember that there is more to what we show each other, more to our stories. Perhaps in 2016 we can be kinder,  gentler, and more understanding to each other, and to the stories we all hold dear.

New year, new me

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A glittery heart made by my oldest

As 2015 rapidly comes to a close, I cannot help but reflect on the year. I have to say, this year was not the easiest. There were highs – trip to Europe and making new friends – but, many more lows. When I think about it, it becomes clear that the last couple of years have been hard. The girls’ high risk pregnancy, living at the hospital, emergency c-section, premature births, 80 day NICU stay, almost losing Ella, and then her subsequent diagnosis. The therapies, the appointments,  the exhaustion. But, there are many things to be learned, and I am prepared to enter 2016 with hope, and a few thoughts for myself.

Not be so hard on myself
Let’s be real here; I have three kids under 4 and with that comes chaos. I have a never ending to do list, that doesn’t always include being June Cleaver. Sometimes I feel terrible for making grilled cheese again, but we’re all clean, dressed, well fed, and loved. Plus, grilled cheese is awesome.

Despite having been successful with my Beachbody programs,  if I miss a day or indulge or cheat, I torment myself; poking my belly fat and feeling generally like I’ve ruined everything. I still don’t think I’m strong enough, good enough, or fit enough. But, I’m stronger than when I started and will be stronger still, if I just give myself a chance.

Toot my own horn every now and then
I read a study that has always stuck with me; men are naturally good at saying what they are good at, while women often deflect praise or defer to someone else. I do this all. the. time. At work and as a mum. You know what? I did work my butt off this year both professionally and at home. Yes, my hands are very full. But I think I juggle quite well. No. Fuck it. I do it damn well. I’m a good mum and so far have handled every single thing that has come my way. Bring it, 2016.

Find love
Love actually is all around. At least according to Hugh Grant, and he’s British so we have to believe him. I’m not even talking romantic love, but love. Restoring my faith in humanity,  in people, and most importantly,  in myself.

Be happy
The most important,  and naturally, the hardest.  Happiness doesn’t come easily, and when you so often forget that it’s not ok to be unhappy all the time, it takes a backseat to everything else. There are things that make me happy; my kids, writing, glitter, but there should be more happy days in 2016, more chances at something new. More hope, heart, love, and happy.

So, as I reflect on the past,  I no longer will stumble into the future, but will take this new year by the horns and hold on for dear life, hoping to find a new me at the end of the rainbow.

There’s no such thing as special needs parenting when it comes to loving our kids

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Ella at her school Christmas party

When it came time for me to go back to work, the same thought circled my mind  again and again; is this the best thing for Ella? So many parents of kids with special needs or different abilities ultimately decide not to work, for any number of reasons. If it had been possible, I would have stayed home; the appointments and exercises enough to fill the days. But, I had to work and with a nanny highly recommended from a  NICU staff, I re-entered the workforce with my faith in Ella’s strength and courage.

Finally, it was time for the girls to start daycare and I was sure that lightning could not strike twice. Nightmares of Ella being left in a corner while other kids ran around her playing, or the kids asking loudly why Ella is “different.” But, her teachers have been amazing, the other kids treat her like a superstar, and all the reasons why I wanted the girls in school far outweigh any difficulties that may arise, including the constant germs.

So, when I arrived at the girls’ classroom for their Christmas party, I wasn’t sure what to expect. But, I opened the door, and though Raegan spotted me, Ella didn’t.  There, she sat in her adapted chair, clapping and singing along to the music, and so so happy. I could not hold back the tears; my sweet girl, front and centre, the life of the party. Once she saw me, the two girls had to sit on my lap and the other kids showed their parents Ella’s chair.

Thoughts of her being forgotten have evaporated; she can’t fade into the background, not because of her AFOs or her walker or her stander, but because she’s Ella, and everyone loves a superstar.

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Raegan and Ella share a hug

Tis the season?

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Ask anyone who has known me for years and they’ll tell you that Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year. The twinkling lights, stockings hung by the fireplace with care, presents wrapped and under the tree before mid-December, all because of my love of the season.

This year; however, I’ve been finding it harder to dig out the Christmas spirit. I’m not sure if it’s because this is the first year being single over the holidays –  though we were separated last year at Christmas,  I thought then that perhaps we may work it out – or maybe it’s how busy I’ve been at work, or how much there is to do with the kids. The fall has flown by me with nary a pumpkin spice latte to be had, and the next thing I knew, everyone else was in full Christmas swing and I was still thinking it was September.

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The gang with Santa

Cards have not been sent, or even arrived yet, presents lay around the house, unwrapped,  waiting for me to prepare the packages, surprises,  and while going through the motions,  I hardly feel the swell of Christmas spirit inside me growing like the Grinch’s tiny heart.

And all the while, Braeden has asked for decorations,  for a tree, for visits to Santa, and countdowns to Christmas.  So, I did what every mum would do in the same situation, I plastered a big, jolly smile on my face, and make sure we do his Minion Advent every day, that we sat on Santa’s lap, that presents are bought and will get wrapped, and even that we celebrated at his school party.

And, oh the tree. When living in America, it became tradition to put the tree up the weekend of American Thanksgiving. I donned a pink sparkly Santa hat and cheerfully trimmed the tree with ornaments I’ve collected on my adventures while Christmas music filled the air. But this year, the tree sits still in its box, and Christmas music has been limited to my one woman show of Baby, It’s Cold Outside. Yet, my oldest wanted a tree,  and while I’d love to spend the time to beautifully set one up, I knew Raegan couldn’t resist potentially pulling it over onto herself, and the energy it would take was just not going to be pulled out of thin air.

So, instead, while the kids slept,  I took one of my parents tiny decorative trees and filled it with ornaments they would love;  minions, Santa, a rocking horse, and a big silver star. The next morning, his face made it all worthwhile,  as he exclaimed,  “Mama, you decorated a tree! It’s beautiful!”

So, the season may be different, it may be a bit lonelier,  a bit toned down, but the whole point, the reason I love Christmas so much, is still here, in awe of everything, and swelling this Grinch’s tiny, cold heart.

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We’re 23 months old!

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23 months! Ella and Raegan December 7, 2015

Yesterday, the girls turned 23 months and I can’t believe that in one month I will have two two-year olds!! It doesn’t seem that long ago that I brought home two tiny babies, who were already almost three months old.

What really amazes me with the girls are their different personalities, and how fast they learn things. The girls both know so many songs, it’s amazing. We love to sing Let It Go and Jingle Bells right now, but Raegan likes to sing along with the lullaby I sing them every night, a song I made up for Braeden’s bedtime routine almost four years ago.

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Contemplative Raegan

Raegan is still her sassy self. She seems so teeny tiny, but as soon as you pick her up you realize she is bigger than she appears, and stronger, too. She needs to be moving constantly and is not afraid of the word no. She has been known to throw herself on the floor if you try to do anything she doesn’t want you to. Want to change her out of her jammies? She will wrestle you to the ground screaming before she agrees to take off her beloved penguin jammies.

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Raegan (in her penguin jammies) and Braeden share a snack

Raegan loves her big brother sooo much. She has started calling him Brother Braeden and demands a kiss and hug before bed. The two are as thick as thieves which is sometimes hilarious and sweet and sometimes terrifying. Ella and I usually find ourselves laughing at their craziness.

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Mama and Raegan before seeing Bubble Guppies!

I’m really amazed at Raegan’s language and ability to follow directions. While making dinner last night, she asked for a cracker, so I gave her one and asked her to bring one to Ella, so she trotted off saying “Ella, cracker! Ella, cracker!”

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Ella swinging

Ella remains, as always, one of the happiest babies ever. Or I guess happiest toddlers is more accurate now. She loves to watch her sister and brother being silly, and loves to read books and sing songs. Ella loves to play with beads, instruments, and cars. She adores Elsa and says goodnight to the Elsa sticker on their wall every night. 

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Ella playing in her walker with beads

Ella loves her walker and has taken steps forward independently in it. We currently have a borrowed walker but she will be getting her own soon – in purple! Ella also received her first AFOs  (foot orthotics) that of course have Elsa on them. She uses them in the stander and walker and will hopefully help her to build up strength in her legs and feet. Her physio noticed how much stronger she is. While she improves every day, it is getting harder and harder to carry her around and my back is suffering. Not gonna lie though, I do love the cuddles!

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Ella and Raegan all gussied up to see Bubble Guppies live!

I am so proud of how far my girls have come, and I know next month will be emotional but lovely and special. Every day getting to celebrate with these brave firecrackers is incredible and I’m honoured and proud to be their mama.

Body Image After Twins: Learning to Love Yourself Again – Twiniversity

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I’m excited to share my most recent piece for Twiniversity for so many reasons.

I’ve always struggled with how I look, with my body. I’ve always wondered how life would be if I were skinnier or prettier. I’m guessing most of you reading this have wondered the same about some aspect of yourself.

I’ve constantly told myself what I can’t do, so much so that I was amazed by what I can do.

I will never be skinny, and that’s not even a priority anymore, but I feel like I can talk to my girls about the way I felt about my body and how it took me 31 years to change that opinion; to give it my all and try my best. I don’t want them to wait 31 years to feel strong, powerful, or beautiful. So let’s start the conversation early, and let’s allow ourselves the belief that we can, and will, accomplish so much more than we think.

http://twiniversity.com/2015/12/body-image-after-twins-learning-to-love-yourself-again/

Born too soon

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Two tiny heartbeats jump up and down
Nervous faces glance around
Mama knows something is wrong
You’ll be born before day is done

Faces appear behind white masks
Explaining their next-to-impossible tasks
Time has slowed to a crawl
Replaced by tears which begin to fall

Then, you are both here
No screams or cries to hear
Rushed away to fill your lungs
Not quite ready, though life’s begun

I’m kept away for far too long
Torn apart, couldn’t hold on
Finally, I see you in your plastic beds
With tiny pillows around your heads

Alarms and sirens begin to sound
Echoing us all around
Wires fill your plastic homes
With long tubes through your nose

Mama sits and waits and waits
To hold you now is up to fate
My empty womb feels heavy now
The loss remembered with every sound

One of you tried to say goodbye
Before I sang your lullabies
The sound of empty halls were filled
With painful thoughts as I rushed in

My babies, who were born too soon
Fighters right from the womb
Eighty days we parted ways
With thoughts and hopes of sunny days

Mama’s tears turned to smiles
With each new day taking us miles
Further from where we were,
Closer to home, and a sad heart’s cure

My babies, who were born too soon
Have learned to live, and laugh, and bloom
Mama will take the fight for you
My babies, who were born too soon.

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Solo parenting one day at a time

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Despite everything that was happening in my marriage, one thought that constantly ran through my mind was; can I really do this on my own? Can I do it all without a partner? Of course, I assumed I could not; that the logistics alone of three kids under the age of four would make it near impossible,  then add to that a child with special needs, and the list of reasons why I couldn’t do it seemed neverending.

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Three little minions

Yet, here I am, solo parenting and surviving, for the most part. The four of us are figuring out what it means to be a family and how we can still have fun and not live in absolute utter chaos. Last weekend, we hit the mall together,  and today enjoyed the beautiful sunny November day in the park.

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Braeden and Raegan enjoy the playhouse

Though simple to many families, solo outings like that where I’m with all three of the kids, outnumbered and sometimes outwitted, can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s taken a lot of honesty from me; explaining to Braeden especially why there’s certain things I can’t do on my own, like getting the firetruck cart at the mall or that I can’t help him climb the big playground structure when I’m by myself because I have to watch the girls at the same time.

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Raegan on the slide!

Last weekend,  we not only survived the mall but even sat down to lunch the four of us and it was so much fun. I love being with the kids, even running errands makes my heart swell; watching their bonds, conversations,  and individuality shine through. I see similarities and differences in each one, and it’s so special.  Not many get to experience the wonder of twins, and they may not necessarily have an older brother as hilarious and empathetic as Braeden.

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Swings!

But, of course, it’s hard. It’s a lot of work and it’s lonely and there’s no one to share the moments with. I spend all my time at home talking with toddlers and a preschooler and when they’re in bed, it’s eerily quiet, with only my PVR to keep me company. It’s up to me to notice all the good things to stay afloat, when so often it would be easier to just allow myself to drown.

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Ella in her new walker!

There’s also those sad few who focus on the wrong thing; the man who berated me for Braeden laying on the bench instead of realizing that I was averting a near meltdown, the other parents at the park staring at me, mouths agape as if we are some sort of circus act, the man watching me struggle as I navigate my double stroller with all three kids aboard through an inaccessible door instead of offering a hand. But, for every seemingly jerky move that come our way, there’s also the nods of other parents; the we got this attitude of those potentially heading to war, or at the very least, the battle of wits that accompanies every child-related task.

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Mama at work

This change is ongoing, we’re all learning and navigating together, and I’m doing the best I can. And I guess, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be because my three loves are all happy and healthy and learning and growing.  So, to all my fellow solo parents; we got this.