How far we have come, though not far enough

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Today marks the 70th anniversary of the Liberation of Holland. A day special to our family as my maternal grandfather fought for the liberation of Holland in World War two. This year also marks his 90th birthday, which means before the age of twenty, he was fighting to protect others that he had never met,  and most that he never would.

Both of my grandfathers fought in the war, and my great-grandparents before them in the First World War. Yet, WWII seems so much more prevalent in my life since it touched those I care about in so many ways. It’s also slightly ironic that the anniversary comes as I’m preparing to leave for England and France, two countries immensely impacted by the war in different ways.

Both of my grandfathers fought so that their children, grandchildren,  and now great grandchildren wouldn’t have to. So that we could live and travel and shop and eat and love and have babies and go on adventures.

70 years is a long time, but it’s apparently not long enough. The hatred that drove that war, that divided families, loved ones, friends, still exists. It exists “over there” where people continue to fight, continue to die, and it exists right here.

Imagine that then, those with special needs were deemed not good enough. It’s quite easy to do, really, because often those individuals, those fabulous people who bring light and love to so many, are still deemed not good enough.

My grandfathers saw things they never talked about. My grandmother lost her mum in the bombings. They survived and then they lived. They got married, and had babies, and traveled. They experienced things we could never imagine, never would want to.

They fought so we wouldn’t have to, but we’re still fighting. We’re fighting the hatred that drove a war that ended 70 years ago, but still runs through the veins of many.

Parenting shouldn’t be a fight, and our kids, our amazing,  smart, talented, beautiful, generous, kind, loving kids shouldn’t have to fight to just be kids.

Thank you, for your fight then, and thank you to every single person who has fought since and will continue to fight because we just haven’t come far enough.

Is There Still a “Me” in There? Defining Myself as More Than a Mom of Three – Twiniversity

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One of my friends and I have known each other since we were five, and we still joke that it feels like I’ve always had kids.

Honestly, it sometimes is hard to remember life pre-kids. Like, what did I do with all my time??

It can be hard to find the time to do things that are entirely for me. I go shopping and end up wandering into Baby Gap. But, my writing is all mine. And that’s why I am always looking for places I can write for and ways of doing what I love.

Here is my most recent piece for Twiniversity,  all about finding myself (and you finding yourself!) after kids.

http://twiniversity.com/2015/05/is-there-still-a-me-in-there-defining-myself-as-more-than-a-mom-of-three/

Man, this parenting crap is hard

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Buds and Raegan

You know, I’m not sure if this gets said enough, but this parenting crap is hard. Like, really hard.

This week has been rough. Transitioning Ella with the babysitter and seeing her so upset was brutal. I have to practically hold myself back from running to her and giving her giant smooches to feel better. I am doing my best to allow time for others to learn how to comfort her so that she is not so dependent on me. But knowing what she likes and what soothes her makes it really hard. No one wants to see their little one in distress.

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Cheeky Ella

I also started work this week, which has brought up so many emotions. I’ve been a social worker for a long time (shockingly longer than I thought when I start adding up the years), and I love it, but it can be both physically and emotionally exhausting, particularly as we take on the trauma of others. I’m going to be doing a great project with communities that need it, but I’m also going to be away from the kids for three nights a week, getting home passed my bedtime (I’m super old). I know it’s a good thing to head back, and unfortunately,  my lotto tickets last week were a bust, so it’s also a necessity,  but it is really super hard to leave the girls.

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Sleepy Raegan

This week Ella also started her Conductive Education class, which is a type of therapy for kids with physical disabilities, primarily Cerebral Palsy, that involves singing and explanation of the movements and activities to teach the brain in different ways. Ella cried the entire time. All of the other kids were pretty happy to be there, but Ella cried constantly. She cried when I put her down. She cried when I picked her up. Sigh.

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Ella rolled onto her tummy in her crib all by herself!

Despite the screaming, there were no raised eyebrows, no staring,  no sighs or whispers until I packed up and left quietly,  never to return. Instead, the other mums were just so happy to be there with their kids and watch the awesome things happening.  Because I’m in a new motherhood now; I’m part of the special needs mamas who have bigger priorities than playing the mummy wars game.

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Lego Movie for movie night!

But that’s what makes this parenting crap really hard, just when you think you’ve got it kind of under control, something happens to throw a wrench in it. Whether it’s a bad day, or week, or situation, or just the final straw, it kicks you in the ass until you get a snuggle, or baby giggle,  or even your three year old asking to watch a movie in bed with you, and then this parenting thing is kind of kickass.

Am I abandoning Ella?

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Miss Ella, day 477

In preparation for my upcoming trip away and then my return to work, we started transitioning the girls with their babysitter so that when I do fly the coop, the girls won’t completely freak out.

Except, it’s not exactly going as planned. Today, with Ella sitting on her lap and me right across from her, she bawled. When I stood thisclose to her while she was being given her snack,  she bawled. She bawled until I picked her up, and then she stopped.

Sigh.

Aside from completely tugging at my heartstrings,  she made me feel super anxious about everything. Can I go back to work if she’s like this? Will she get comfortable enough to not only not cry, but to actually enjoy herself with someone else?

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Buds and Raegan are pretty easy going. B had a hard time at first starting daycare, but then loved it. Raegan was a little shifty eyed this morning,  but warmed up right away. But my Ella needs her Mama not just nearby, but within hair pulling distance.

After all she’s been through, I want Ella to get to experience everything and I want her to love it. I want everyone to hear her laughing and babbling about what she sees. I hate the idea of me leaving her to go to work and she’s anxious, stressed, or sad the whole time.

Every parent who has to leave their baby has to figure things out, no matter how long their maternity leave is, and even if you’re excited to go back to work, it’s hard to have someone else watch your kid.

Is it harder to leave your child with special needs? From my own experience,  yes. Ella doesn’t just need help sitting up, but she needs help with everything. I never thought much about it before until her therapist told me that Ella relies on me for everything. She  needs me to eat, to move, to play. It’s not only hard to trust someone to do all that for her, but to do it well and with love.

Here’s hoping I win the lottery in the next couple of days.

When it rains, get the perfect umbrella on Etsy

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I’d like to thank my friend for her suggested post title, as my original title was:

When it rains, it pours, and the roof leaks and the basement floods, and mold grows, and an electrical fire starts, and when heading down the stairs to clean up, you fall and break your leg, and then a spider crawls on you, and you have to lie there until someone notices you’re missing.

In case you couldn’t tell, this post will be a bit woe-is-me.

I’ve been dealing with pain that increased to the point that I ended up in the ER and found out I have a hernia. Awesome!  The best part is that though one of my organs is literally trying to escape, it’s not deemed an emergency so I need to wait to get a day patient surgery spot without taking anything for the pain and accompanied exhaustion.

A hernia is bad enough, but today just so happens to be my birthday, and while I’m over bemoaning the ravages of time, my body has clearly decided celebrations are not in order.

Apparently hernias happen in only 3% of women, usually from pregnancy or c sections (thanks, girls!!) I don’t know what about me insists on being a medical oddity  (only 1% of twins are mono mono), but why can’t those odds swing in my favour for winning the lottery?!

I definitely feel that though this isn’t the biggest deal, it’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Really, universe, I needed ONE more thing to deal with?! REALLY??!

Uhh. OK,  rant done. I’m heading over to Etsy now.

Am I just a lazy mum?

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The great thing about having had Buds before the girls is that I had a pretty decent grip on motherhood before dealing with all the extra needs the girls have.

The downside is that he was the most chill baby ever who slept consistently through the night and had the same nap schedule almost from birth. He also had no problems transitioning to a cup, or using a fork, or anything else, really.

The girls are still transitioning to cups from their bottles and we’ve experimented with, say, 6 different types of cups. Straws and spouts have been hastily pushed aside and thrown on the floor. Buds would take whatever was offered. These girls will not. I caved and finally bought the kind of expensive Wow Cups which seem to be moderately acceptable to them most of the time.

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Raegan's cup is almost as big as her

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just being super lazy with the girls. I tried cups around six months, but when they refused them, I didn’t push it, just left it. I figured I’d try again in a bit. Was that laziness or just sanity? Sometimes I find it hard to tell if I’m just too exhausted to forge on or if it’s actually better to wait.

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Ella grabs her cup

Raegan just started getting plates with cutlery at meals which last about five minutes, and then, while staring at me, she picks up her plate and dumps it. Every time. Ella doesn’t regulate her feeding in the same way, so either I feed her or give her pieces at a time to prevent her from stuffing too much in her mouth.

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Raegan digs in

The girls came home at an awkward age for Buds. At two, we should have been focused on his potty training but, instead, we had two newborns to take care of, and he’s still in diapers. I’m not super concerned about it, he’s working on it, and I’ve learned not to push him, but I think I was a bit too lazy about it. If I had scheduled it more,followed through, maybe he’d be fully potty trained, but maybe not, and I would have been more exhausted and maybe even more irate. Would it be worth it? He probably uses about $20 a month in diapers. I guess in the long run, $20 isn’t worth my sanity. Yet.

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One of Raegan's glorious lunches, pre dumping

I haven’t done as many classes as I did when I was home with B, but that’s more logistics;  two babies makes it hard to participate in most classes meant for one, and a baby who can’t sit on her own while the other crawls off to create chaos makes it near impossible to participate in anything. Is that a little lazy? Maybe. Maybe I could have figured out a way to do more, but I also avoided the stares, the looks, and the feelings of being a crappy mum who has no way of dealing with two (plus) kids.

OK,  so, admittedly,  I made some choices with the girls that have been to keep things easier. Choices that I may not have made if I didn’t also have B, but I’ve also made sure the girls, and their big brother, have a pretty awesome life.

So, let’s call this one a draw.

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Ahhh two sleeping beauties!

Battle of the Bulge Update: Month Three

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Six pounds to go!

It’s the third month since rejoining Weight Watchers and the sun is finally coming out, which of course means less clothing very soon (ugh- exposed arms).

I lost 2.2 pounds last month and have 5.8 pounds (let’s round to 6) to my pre – twins weight. All of my old pants fit, but there’s definitely some muffin top happening. Thankfully, tunic tops exist.

I am for sure an emotional eater, which was my biggest problem in the NICU. I wish I was one of those people who was like “stress makes me lose my appetite” but I’m more like GIVE ME ALL THE FOODS!!

Hopefully as it gets warmer, we can spend more time outside just wandering or even playing. Now to avoid all those yummy summer treats…that’s a whole other issue!

I do occasionally have days where I cannot get my tracking done, but I’m pretty aware by now of all the points for most of what I eat and I try not to drink too many points (tea, diet coke, and water are my go-tos for zero points). Snacking remains my hardest habit to break. Why do they make junk food so tasty??!!

Uh. Onward and upward, or maybe downwards in this case?

Multiplicity Spring Issue

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I have to say that I love to write. I remember writing short stories and novellas when I was a kid. I even tried my hand at poetry and music. Of course, I never imagined that anyone would want to read my writing, let alone publish it.

I’m thrilled to be featured twice in the Spring Issue of Multiplicity Magazine. Seeing my name in the byline of an actual magazine is so exciting!!

And, I even have a professional headshot, done by Hayley Andoff (@handsofftheandoff on Instagram)!

This experience has reminded me of what Emily Giffin said on her book tour last year; if you write, you’re a writer. Never an aspiring writer. Writing may not pay the bills, but it’s a passion  and love of mine, and just maybe, one day, it will pay a bill or two.

Look for my articles on parenting an exceptional child and saying goodbye to the NICU here:

We’re 15 months old!

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15 months! Ella and Raegan April 7, 2015

15 months! It gets more and more obvious that the girls are moving away from babyhood and into toddlerdom.

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Raegan eyeballs my parents' bannister

Raegan is pretty much ready to pack a bag and move out. She’s thisclose to walking and I expect by next month’s update, she will be trotting along. For now, she’s pulling up and cruising at every chance she gets, and gets into EVERYTHING. She can stand on her own for a bit, but prefers to be on the move. She has two top molars and is getting  her bottom ones and another front bottom  tooth. That makes almost 9. Maybe more, she doesn’t really let me look. She says Mama, Dada, I did it!, yah, and wow. She’s a pretty good mimic. She still loves food and snacks. My dad couldn’t believe how many meatballs she had at Easter, but she often eats a portion size almost as big as mine yet stays so Itty Bitty.

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Ella and her new Easter bunny

Ella is still my cheeky one, in that she has amazing cheeks. She also has molars; three have fully erupted and more on the way. I think she also has about 9 teeth which she loves to brush by herself. I just ordered a special seat for Ella called the ToGo chair which will allow her to sit in a grocery cart, her new wagon, or on a regular chair.  It’s  actually one of those things you take for granted  with a typically developed kid; being able to plop them in the grocery  cart. This will give Ella some more opportunities  to take part in things. Ella says her name, Mama, yum yum, hello, and woah.  She’s  also a great mimic. The Easter bunny brought the girls bunnies and she ADORES hers. She actually rolled 3/4 over to grab it Sunday night. Ella is going to be attending  a class at March of Dimes starting at the end of the month which will hopefully help her to sit up  on her own, which is my biggest goal for her right now.

We’re still waiting for daycare, sigh, so they’re still home with Mama! 

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My Easter bunnies!

Thank you for our year home

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Saturday,  March 28th we celebrated the girls’ one year home with a pink and gold filled party attended by friends and family. Then, yesterday, we celebrated the staff at the hospital who made it possible for our girls to come home.

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Before the girls were even born there were people who took care of them, people who loved them. Our girls being mono mono meant they had a lot of quality time at the hospital.  Weekly ultrasounds tracked their progress, but also gave me a glimpse of their personalities,  their constant motion in my tummy.

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Two months! March 7, 2014 (in the NICU)

Sometimes,  those ultrasounds showed things that were scary, things that we had no control over, but there were always reassuring faces nearby, answering questions, being supportive, and most of all, honest.

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Three months! April 7, 2014 (at home)

Then, I lived in the hospital. I had nurses who shared a love of celebrity gossip with me during our daily monitoring sessions. Sessions meant to be twenty minutes, but that usually turned into hours. Nurses who talked about my son, about Jas and I being newlyweds.  Nurses who were loving, but also funny, sweet, and sincere. I had support staff bring me meals and clean my room, always with a smile, always on time.

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Four months! May 7, 2014 (at home)

Then, I had doctors and nurses telling me we had to deliver. Nurses who prepped me for surgery, who told me the magnesium would make me feel like shit. Doctors and nurses in a sterile,  cold room, and outside waiting, peeking through a window to wrap up our girls and keep them safe. Those same nurses who laughed with me about celebrities comforted me after my c section, helped me express drops of milk, loaded me into a wheelchair to meet my girls.

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Five months! June 7, 2014 (at home)

Then, there were new doctors and nurses.  Ones who were taking care of my girls outside of their squishy swimming pool, in the real world. Nurses who know how scary the NICU is, how tiny our babies seemed, how precious each moment is. Nurses who helped me hold my girls, to comfort them, to feed them.

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Six months! July 7, 2014 (at home)

Then there were the nurses and doctors who saved Ella. The nurses who knew something was wrong, but also knew what to do. The nurses who brought her back to us, and brought us back to her. There was the nurse who helped me hold her for the first time, after so long a wait. The nurses who made sure to get every test result as soon as possible so I knew how she was. The doctors who talked to us about her brain bleed, her hydrocephalus.  The unknown of what it meant then, of what it means now.

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Seven months! August 7, 2014 (at home)

Then there were the lactation consultants,  social workers,  and family worker who helped me feed the girls, learn my options, and to heal. There was my doctor who wanted updates, who was shaken when I gave her the news about Ella. There were so many people. And there still are so many people.

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Eight months! September 7, 2014 (at home)

There’s the follow-up team who watched my girls grow,  who saw Raegan become an adventurous monkey who can’t sit still, and watched Ella struggle to keep up. The team who helped her get therapy, equipment, funding, and a future.

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Nine months! October 7, 2014 (at home)

So many of those people have told me how scared they were when Ella was sick, how worried.  At first, I was surprised,  thought that much worse must happen there, but then I realized that it’s because they care. Every day, those nurses, doctors, and staff wake up, say goodbye to their own families, and care for ours. Every day they see terrifying things and amazing things. Their hearts are fuller than most, they must be.

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Ten months! November 7, 2014 (at home)

Thank you for this year. There was a time I didn’t know that I would get to bring two girls home, and now we’ve been home a year. Thank you for supporting us, believing in us, and helping us.

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Eleven months! December 7, 2014

Thank you for your strength, for your laughter, and your tears. Thank you for believing in my girls, for believing in my family, and for believing in me. Thank you for letting me be their mum, thank you for this year.

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One year old! January 7, 2015 (at home)

Thank you for walking those halls, for being there when you’re needed, and knowing when it’s time to slip away. Thank you for answering questions, for being patient,  thank you for listening,  and for talking.

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Thirteen months! February 7, 2015 (at home)

Thank you for your excitement when you see the girls, for the trips down memory lane. Thank you for your eternal sunshine, your warmth.

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Fourteen months! March 7, 2015 (at home)

Thank you for our year home. Thank you for the smiles, the giggles,  the walks in the stroller, the new adventures,  the unknown, the past,  the present,  and our future.

Thank you, Sunnybrook,  for our year home.