Happy birthday, JMP!

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Today is Jason’s birthday, and last year on his birthday we found out we were having girls. It’s pretty hard to top that surprise,  but since he was off, I still wanted it to be special.

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Best envelope we've ever opened!

We headed to lunch with the girls then over to a baby friendly movie. Considering we had two babies with us and one of them is Raegan who literally cannot sit still for a minute, it went pretty well. It doesn’t mean I would run out to do it again, but it was something fun and different and another first for the girls.

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The best we could do in the theatre!

We picked up Buds from school and went out to dinner which went surprisingly well and ended in dessert, so that’s always a good thing. Buds even fed Jas his dessert which was both hilarious and sweet. As we were getting ready to go, B asked us if we were done our alcohol which was funny since we only had one drink but really makes you feel on the spot when your two year old is questioning your drinking habits.

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Braeden helps Daddy blow out the candle

We’re definitely not the party animals we were in our youth, but as you get older, I feel that birthdays and other special celebrations become less about staying up late partying and more about just spending time with awesome people, and there’s no one more awesome than our three musketeers.

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Raegan was really excited to celebrate Daddy's birthday!

So, happy birthday, Jas! Next year I’m thinking tea party?

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B, Jason, and Ella at birthday dinner

Minions Unite!

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Ella, Raegan, and Braeden as minions Hallowe'en 2014 (day 294)

Sometimes I feel bad for the girls being simultaneously the second and third child. When I was pregnant with Buds, I kept a scrapbook with all the special things I did when I was pregnant and kept it going after he was born; creating scrapbook pages for each month, keeping track of every new experience.  With the girls’ pregnancy,  I didn’t even  bother trying to keep up with B’s book or trying to start one for the girls. Instead, I’ve switched over to just making photobooks which is so much easier though not at all personal.

It also means that their firsts can get slightly overshadowed by their big brother, and their first Hallowe’en is a prime example.

Last month I asked Braeden what he wanted to be for Hallowe’en and gave him a few suggestions.  His pick: minion! It’s funny because he had never actually seen Despicable Me,  but loves Pharrell’s song Happy, and there are minions in the video that he loves.

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Raegan and Ella rocking this minion thing

After finally finding a reasonably priced costume,  I thought about the girls. Knowing that chances were high that the night would be cold (and rainy, as it turned out) and that we would probably have to chuck them in their carriers to take Buds out, I slightly settled for their first Hallowe’en.  Instead of getting the girls some of those super cute fluffy costumes like a pumpkin or strawberry,  I got them hats. Minion hats. To be fair, they’re from Etsy (TheHippiePatch1) and super adorable,  but still I feel like I kind of missed out. Though, I have already spotted our potential costumes for next year and they’re AMAZING.

I have to admit that seeing all three of the kids in matching minion hats is both hilarious and sweet, so I’m giving myself a pass just this once but promise the girls’ first Christmas will be spectacular.

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Before heading to school for his Hallowe'en parade

Thick as Thieves

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Braeden and Raegan playing

After the girls were first born, whenever we asked Braeden the names of his sisters he was always quick to yell Ella! but often needed help remembering Raegan’s name. At first, I thought it was because her name is a little harder to say, but since it’s so similar to his, I wondered if it was just because we talked about Ella more.

I have loved watching Braeden turn into a big brother and getting used to his new role. I think it’s hilarious when he asks about the girls or helps me feed them.

Lately, Buds has wanted the girls to do more than hang around.

“Sisters, want to play with me?” has become his go-to question when he gets home from school. With Ella still having limited movements,  Raegan has become his buddy. He gets on the floor with her and they push cars and trains around. When she tries to grab his hair or his face, he giggles.

I can foresee the two of them causing trouble, but I can also see them being really close. The girls are both lucky to have such an awesome big brother who can teach them a million things, especially how to laugh and have fun.

Well that year went by quickly

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On Sunday, Jas and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary.  The biggest surprise of the day, I think, was how fast it came. Of course,  the year didn’t really speed up like in some science fiction movie, but it sure feels that way.

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At our wedding; October 19, 2013

I can honestly say that most couples do not go through what we did in their entire marriage, let alone in the first year. Under all that tulle were two tiny babes, swimming along at 18 weeks. Not long after our wedding,  I went inpatient and not long after that, the girls were born.

I really feel that the best way to measure a year is in children. Buds has grown up sooo much in this one year. At the wedding he still had babyish features like chubby cheeks. If we got married now, he would entertain everyone with his stories and dancing skills. Until I looked back at the pictures, I forgot how little he was, but still adorably handsome in his purple bowtie. 

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B at our wedding! A year and a half old

We didn’t go crazy celebrating the day, but we did head back to the same hotel as we were married for dinner. We haven’t been back since the wedding and it brought back a ton of memories and feelings.  We never honeymooned, my doctor wasn’t thrilled with me being so far away, and now it’s almost impossible to find time and let’s face it, babysitting. Maybe by the time we’re celebrating our tenth we will have gone on one?

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First anniversary; October 19, 2014

I think ahead to next year and where the girls will be and that will really feel like a time warp. Every month I ask myself “where did the time go?” like an old lady reflecting on her life. Still, I’m glad to have a partner in crime who is also along for this crazy roller coaster ride we call life.

Happy Thanksgiving, baby girls

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Mama, Raegan, and Ella at the zoo! October 12, 2014 (day 275)

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving here in Canada. Since I lived in America for so long, I used to celebrate both Thanksgivings, and both had different feelings for me. Canadian Thanksgiving always reminded me of home and family, and mmm sweet potato mash. American Thanksgiving was always the beginning of the holidays and I still put my tree up that weekend.  Our family never did the whole going around the table and saying what we’re thankful for, but this year, there are many things I’m thankful for.

My city. I am so thankful to live in Toronto and to have free access to countless amazing hospitals, programs, and services, especially for Ella. We’re pretty much on the wait list for every service we may eventually need. I’ve never been happier to not have to decide between paying for a doctor’s appointment or buying groceries.

My parents. Buds loves his Grandma and Papa and they have helped so much during my pregnancy,  hospital stay, NICU time, and even now dropping off and picking up B from school. They also are our only babysitters so our one chance to head out sans kids.

My fabulous friends. I have amazing friends here and away who have been super supportive in lots of different ways. I also have a new circle of NICU friends who get what it’s like, and can answer questions others can’t.

My three musketeers. Buds made me a mama and continues to blow my mind every day with his personality,  stories, and love of books and fire trucks. Our girls are the teeniest,  feistiest little ladies ever. They really are hilarious and I love watching them interact. Ella blows me away with what she has been through.  She’s not even seven months old yet but handles the doctors and poking and prodding like a champ.

My partner in crime. I do not believe in fairytales, relationships take work, and ours is no exception. But, being able to talk about the day or challenge each other to a game of monopoly makes this parenting thing a bit easier. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, whether you celebrate this month or next, being thankful should be a feeling we have all year.

Actually, you couldn’t be more wrong

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The other day, I was chatting with another mum about the girls. I shared a little of our story and she asked how long the girls had spent in the NICU.

I responded,  “80 days.”

She laughed,  “Not that you were counting!”

I did not laugh or return her smirk because, of course I counted every day. I kept track of the days that the girls were separated from me, inside little plastic houses.  I counted every day because that was one day closer to them being home. Sure, I could say they were in for close to three months, but I know it’s 80 days. That number will forever be etched into my heart and my mind.

I continue to keep track of their days and every day there is something amazing to document.  Whether it’s just their first chilly day, a cute outfit, or trying new food, it’s special because we didn’t know that they would get to experience these things. We didn’t even know if they would come home.

So, yes, I count every day. The first 80 and every single day after because every day for my girls is special.

We’re 9 months old!

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Ella and Raegan, 9 months (October 7th, 2014)

Well, nine months. Nine whole months of having two sweet baby girls as part of our family. I can’t believe that so soon it will be their first Christmas and then first birthdays!

Of course, the girls are about six and a half months corrected, but I have to say,  they’re doing phenomenally.

Raegan is thisclose to crawling. She scoots a bit up on her hands and knees. She can fully sit up by herself but hates it as it means being stationary,  and Miss Raegan just does not do that. She loves toys.  Loves, loves, loves them! It’s time to lower the cribs because she’s starting to get into everything and pull herself up.

Ella is doing well. We got the BEST news that she does not need to have brain surgery, and I mean, what could possibly top that? She’s rolling more from side to side and now she can pass toys between her hands. Her physio even said that she’s for sure getting stronger.

Yesterday,  I gave the girls lunch; pieces of toast, turkey, banana, and cheese. It was like a light lit up in their lives. Ella, in particular,  loved the turkey. Raegan tried to repeatedly cram toast in her mouth. We’re getting close to completely getting rid of purées and moving forward to real food. Yay!

In just a few weeks, the girls will celebrate their first Hallowe’en with their big brother!

Alyssa and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

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You know how some days just start off the wrong way and then spiral downward from there?

I guess my bad day technically started last night when in the span of thirty minutes I smashed my toe twice on the clunkiest furniture we have, resulting in a sore, swollen, and purple digit. So when I woke up this morning 45 minutes later than usual (after waking up with the girls at 5:30), I pretty much figured how the day would go.

Raegan has been a bit of a cranky pants lately and she definitely continued today; not wanting her cereal or to be put down or for me to give her sister any attention.

It was close to 11 before I could even get a chance to clean up from breakfast (theirs, I’ve pretty much given up on trying to have breakfast anymore) and the day has just basically been crap.

But, you know? Today, today I don’t care. Yes, my toe is almost certainly broken and it was not fun to have poor Raegan so pissed. But it doesn’t matter because yesterday I got the best news – no surgery for Ella! She’s doing so well that her doctor said she doesn’t need surgery or a helmet.

So while the world keeps spinning me in the opposite direction, I’ll just keep smiling because my girl is doing a-ok.

Becoming a special needs mama

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Since Buds was born, I’ve been a lot of different type of mums; first time mom, stay at home mom,  working mom, pregnant mom, twin mom, preemie mom, and mom of three. Now, I am really starting to think about being a special needs mom.

I guess I’ve technically been a special needs mom since the doctors told us that Ella had experienced a brain bleed that would most likely result in either a physical or developmental disability.  But, of course, even though we were told several times about what could happen, we both told ourselves that everything would be fine.

As time has gone on, I have had to readjust my outlook. Not to become a negative Nancy, but instead, to approach each appointment with both the knowledge of what’s been going on with Ella medically, and also sharing what she’s doing well in. (She’s getting stronger and can pass toys back and forth from hand-to-hand. She also giggles constantly. )

Technically, Ella hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, she’s being monitored.  Of course,  does the diagnosis matter? The girl’s been to more doctor’s appointments than most thirty year olds  and is on the wait list for every service the city has to offer. She may be diagnosed with cerebral palsy in the future, and my status as a special needs mum will be confirmed.

It’s not a label many would like to have. It’s hard to imagine a different life for your child, but sometimes you’re dealt a crappy hand and you can either fold, or see what the turn card is. I have so much faith in all three of my kids, no matter what happens and I’m damn proud to be their mama, no matter the label.

No comparison needed

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Every article, post, and doctor tells you not to compare babies. Of course, it’s inevitable as conversations constantly find their way back to whose baby is doing what. Everything from rolling over to starting solids and walking is analyzed to figure out if your baby is behind.

Developmental milestones are there to both assure and terrify us despite the afterthought that all babies develop at their own rate.

With twins it is nigh impossible to avoid making comparisons,  and especially with identical twins. I have yet to meet parents who say that their twins share an exact personality.  Beyond gender differences,  one twin may favour musical instruments while the other loves to kick balls. One may love to read, the other to build.  Sure, the DNA is the same but their personality makes them special.

It’s extra hard to avoid making comparisons when one twin is so far behind the other.

Today we were back at Sunnybrook for a follow-up appointment from our NICU stay. There, they told me Raegan was perfect; meeting and exceeding her developmental milestones.  Then, there was Ella.

Every time we have a doctor’s appointment,  I want to preempt the discussion by saying,  “Now, you should know that Ella is super giggly and loves being flown through the air. She babbles and loves to cuddle.”  I want to say this because doctors, well, are doctors. They see everything that is wrong.

Today, our doctor said simply that I must know Ella is behind comparatively to her sister. And of course I do. I’m with them all day. I see Raegan getting ready to crawl and watch as she devours food sitting perfectly in her booster chair. And I see Ella, laying in one spot, batting at her toys with a closed fist.

But, I don’t want my girls to just be milestones.  I want their personalities to shine. I want people to see that sometimes Raegan is crabby but that she smiles with giant dimples.  And I don’t want you to see Ella as behind, but rather as a chubby cheeked six month old who giggles when you take her out of her sleeper because it tickles.

I know the comparisons will always be there. It’s inevitable with twins. I know that I will continue to compare them both in my own mind and again for the doctors. Still,  it doesn’t make it easier to see the differences, to suspect what’s coming. 

But I know, that comparatively or not, our girls are pretty darn cute.