Modestly immodest?

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For so many reasons I am glad this was not my first pregnancy. Mostly because if it were, this experience would have been 1000 times scarier, but also because, like several mums before me, I’ve decided I just don’t care as much about all the boob flashing I’ve been doing.

After I had Buds, we were in a private room which made the fact that the nurses were constantly grabbing at my boobs and forcing me to feed him, as well as the pad checking, just that much less uncomfortable.

This pregnancy, I spent much of it with my bare stomach exposed to every passing stranger, among other parts. Moving into the hospital with a roommate effectively meant privacy did not exist. I mean, a curtain doesn’t really block things out, no matter how much one wants it too.

Doing skin to skin with the girls, means that my boobs have pretty much been seen. By everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not loving it. Especially as pumping has changed the ladies, and as I am supposed to pump every two to three hours, I am often pumping outside the house. A couple of nursing tanks and hands-free pumping bras later, pumping is easier, though Jas laughed at my pumping cover today.

Breastfeeding may be natural, but pumping isn’t and no one needs to see that. Trust me.

Gaining perspective

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Ella at day 21

We got some amazing news today; Miss Ella’s ultrasound showed a small drop in size in her ventricles and her head did not grow bigger the last couple of days. We’re not out of the woods, but it is great news.

I was relieved, releasing the breath that I’ve been carrying since they told us something was wrong.

Then, on my way for my lunch break, I heard a nurse discussing with her supervisor how a full term baby had been born stillborn. My heart ached for that family. I can’t imagine the pain they are facing, except, we almost did. Three days after the girls were born, after just finishing dinner with Buds after coming from the hospital, we got a call telling us to come back in because Ella was in trouble. Single scariest moment of my life, thinking we might lose our baby girl. But, we didn’t and I get to cuddle her every day, when other families are going through unimaginable hell.

We are far from the finish line, relying on our girls to prove just how strong they are, but even with Ella’s uncertain future, we are so lucky.

We’re three weeks old!

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Raegan, day 21

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Ella, day 21

Three weeks have flown by! The girls are doing well, both are closing in on three pounds and starting to look more alike.

We’re settling in to a routine, and every day I hold the girls as long as I can. The nurses say that my body keeps the girls warm, but they are like two hot pockets, heating me up.

Ella is more alert and seems to be doing really well. After weeks of her head size and ventricles increasing daily, it was a minimal increase yesterday (one millimeter) and no increase today. I am being as positive as I can be, hoping that she is as tough as I think.

Raegan spent much of today in crankypants mode, letting everyone know that she may be little, but can still get your attention.

Despite the daily checks, my milk supply has not magically increased overnight and I definitely don’t run the risk of spontaneously shooting milk across the room. Is there a saying about not crying over pumped milk volumes? There should be.

I am feeling massively better from my section and Buds is finally home. I’m not gonna lie, the kid is heavy, but I’m so thankful to have him back home, even if his biggest concern is playing cars.

I’m hoping on getting some more done in the girls’ room and starting to mentally plan Buds’ birthday but in the meantime, I love my daily cuddles with those tiny tots.

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The girls and I kangarooing, day 21

Here’s looking at you, kid

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Kangarooing the girls, January 27

The girls may be identical, but they have their own personalities and unique quirks.

Lately when I have been kangaroo holding the girls, Ella has fallen asleep while Raegan and I have hung out, but today they switched it up with Miss Raegan quickly falling asleep, mouth open and everything, while Miss Ella was wide-eyed and bushy tailed. While her sister napped, Ella stared up at me as we chatted and sang songs.

Given Ella’s health, to see her so alert and interested was heart warming and allowed us to bond while still keeping Raegan in the loop (in her jaunty cap).

Home away from home

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A view of the girls' pod from the nurses entrance

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Raegan's house

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Ella's house

We are so lucky to live near Sunnybrook, one of the best maternity wards and NICUs in Canada. We also got lucky that the girls scored a twin room as there are only two in the NICU.

Sunnybrook’s NICU is separated into pods, so everyone gets their own pod. I spend my day in the room pumping, Kangarooing the girls, and sometimes just sitting on the couch checking emails.

I haven’t heard the nurses say incubators, they call them houses. Since our pod is our home away from home, it only makes sense.

Best laid plans

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Today is January 24th and at 11:30 AM I was to be having my c section. The girls were 32 weeks yesterday and supposed to stay in my belly. Of course, they had other plans and were born two weeks early.

I can’t help but wonder if we had made it to today if Ella would be ok, if her first part of life would have been easier.

Did we make a mistake in delivering early or if we had waited, would it have been catastrophic? Will she forgive me for not being able to keep them in longer? Will she be able to understand how this happened to her but her twin sister was fine? Will I ever stop wondering about those extra two weeks and will I ever be able to forgive myself?

What makes a mum?

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It’s very strange to have been pregnant, and now, not pregnant, not have the babies to show for it. I feel like wearing a sign that screams, “I just had twins!!” to explain my weathered appearance, under eye circles, and perpetually exhausted look.

As I roam around in yoga pants, I fight the urge to mutter to each passerby; “I had a section,” to acknowledge my lack of style and fashion. Yes, I own jeans, but no, they still don’t fit, or better yet, hit right at my incision. So, yoga pants it is.
With every movement, I should explain, “I’m pumping, don’t mind the look of sheer agony every time the wind blows.” 
I know I must seem strange to stare at couples pushing their newborns around or showing them off. I constantly feel like I’m forgetting something, and then realize, oh yah, it’s my kids.

It seems like the girls are in camp, and I only get to see them during visiting hours, turning into one of those moms, plastered against the window, screaming, “I love you!!” as the kids stare horrifyingly on.

Every person asks me where Buds is, and when I say he’s in daycare, there’s a look like I should be hauling my toddler around with me everywhere now that I’m on leave. Does it make me a bad mother to actually want him in daycare or just a regular one? Am I less of a mum if I don’t have my three kids hanging off me all the time?

Is it strange that after giving birth I am asking permission to change bums and hold my girls instead of being covered in spit up and maneuvering my double stroller through the mall while making funny faces at the girls? Does that mean I’m less of a mama and more of a cuddle buddy?

Yes, I look like crap. I’m pumping every two hours and I have a husband and two kids in hospital. My other kid spends most of his time out of daycare with Grandma and Grandpa. I definitely don’t feel like much of a mom, and certainly not a great one right now. And no, I don’t get the adorable babies to show off to make up for my haggard public appearances, but I will. My girls will be coming home as newborns despite being three months old.

So, I have lots more time to look like crap.

We’re two weeks old!

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Ella at day 14

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Raegan at day 14

What a week it’s been! When I think about how hard the first week was especially on Ella, I am beyond amazed by how well my girls are doing.

That day I walked into the girls’ room and saw that all the machines were gone, I could have jumped for joy, if people wouldn’t have thought I was crazy. It was actually the girls themselves who showed the team how well they were doing. Raegan pulled her oxygen mask off after getting frustrated with it and Ella pulled out her oxygen tube from her nose because she was also fed up.

Both girls are back to their birth weights, Raegan now starting to gain weight as her milk is being fortified and Ella lost weight which was all her puffiness. The girls are starting to look more and more alike, which is easier to tell without all the tubes.

I have also started to cuddle with both girls at once which is amazing and strange; two little heads and two little bodies wrapped around me! Ella especially has calmed down so much with the cuddles, not having nearly as many freak outs and both girls are just generally happier and calmer after the kangaroo holds.

The girls have affectionately been referred to as Houdinis by the nurses as both have crept out of their snugglies in the incubator and wiggled into a complete new area. I think we have our hands full with these girls!

The nurses are constantly telling me how amazed they are by Ella’s progress which makes me hopeful that her brain damage will also heal as she is such a fighter.

Can’t wait for the adventures the girls have in store for me this week!

Get it together, woman

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I would say that I’m not usually a super hormonal or weepy person, and my first pregnancy wasn’t filled with hormonal moments, though I do remember getting misty-eyed at some OnStar commercials.

Now, I find myself particulary weepy. I don’t know if it’s because I was pregnant with twins, the fact that I would have had another 8 weeks to go to be full-term, or just combined stress that still has me dabbing at my eyes.

I cry at full-term newborns, I cry seeing preemies or reading stories of preemies, I cry at commercials, I cry after spending 15 minutes pumping to only have drops, I cry randomly when making the bed or talking to Jas. I’m pretty sure every NICU doctor and nurse has seen me cry, or puffy eyed, at some point.

Now that my girls are doing so much better, my time with them is filled with smiles and songs, but just walking by the preggos waiting for their ultrasounds, or seeing proud parents bring their newborns through the hospital in their car seats makes me sniffle again.

Maybe more baby snuggles will help calm my crazy lady hormones?

Little NICU surprises

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I love coming into the girls’ room in the morning and finding surprises. Today, we had lots of new surprises, including new nameplates for the girls’ monitors and their birth certificates, complete with tiny hand and foot prints. We’d already been given a copy of their foot prints, but it’s nice to have everything together. It will be amazing to show the girls how small they once were.

My plan is to take all the mementos – teeny tiny diapers, hospital bracelets, and the keepsakes the nurses make, and create a lovely NICU memory box that we can show the girls as they get older. Their big brother also painted them a beautiful picture that I’ll be sure to include as well.
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