Ella and Mama take on the world

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Ella comforts herself during the wait

While I’m thrilled to be so close to such an amazing hospital as Sick Kids, I found myself getting anxious with every step as I got closer to the front door this morning for Ella’s appointments.

As I pushed her through the doors and wove my way through the halls to ultrasound, I realized how hard it is to be in a hospital literally full of sick kids.

As we waited for our ultrasound, everyone kept giving me looks, that to me screamed, “What’s wrong with your teeny tiny baby?” Those looks followed us through the halls, in the food court, the elevators, and in neurosurgery. Of course, every family is there for a reason, and many may wonder who is worse off. We can only see the outside, but will never know what’s happening within families.

The hospital may have a lovely food court and even a fancy gift shop, but it’s still a hospital, and it serves as a constant reminder that our family is special, that our girl is special. To have to keep repeating the same information, “Brain bleed. Maybe cerebral palsy.” is almost as traumatic as the first time I heard those words.

Being surrounded by families who are struggling does little to comfort me, but instead serves as a constant reminder of our future, which will always be uncertain.

It’s scary waiting for the doctors to come in, even though she seems to be doing well, you never know what they might say, and you begin to question every spit-up, every averted gaze and think the worst.

We’ll be back at Sick Kids again soon, and I suppose that this is the beginning of a life filled with check ups and anxiety, not just for sweet Ella, but for all my kids, as there is just no telling what the future holds.

Thank you!

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This is officially my 100th blog post! I originally started this blog upon my inpatient stay as a way to quickly disseminate information to friends and family and to pass the time. I never imagined that the blog would speak to others who didn’t already know me.

The response to this blog, and to certain posts, has been incredibly overwhelming. The support of many who are virtually strangers is incredible and speaks to the power of writing as a universal being – one that does not discriminate, but in fact, brings people together to share our stories, secrets, and lives.

I hope that at some point you have found comfort, support, or even a good laugh and I promise to continue to write about our family and my take on mamahood and life.

I hope that you will continue to come along for the adventure.

Many thanks,

Alyssa

I’m a social media mama

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There’s been a bunch of articles and blogs lately talking about not sharing pictures of your kids on social media. Some believe that this takes away your kid’s privacy, while others argue that in the future, their job interviewer will be able to pull up baby pictures of them in the bath.

While I understand why some people choose not to share their lives on social media, I am a full-on social media mama.

I love taking pictures and my kids are usually the stars. With family and friends spread out literally over the world, the only way they get to see them is online. I could email them directly, but honestly, who has time for that when sharing pictures on facebook takes one click and about 20 seconds.

I do agree that limits need to be set. We have tons of pictures and stories that we choose not to share. Even though we (and it was mostly me, to be honest) were very forthcoming about our NICU time, we did not share pictures of Ella at her sickest. The pictures are terrifying and sad, and while they show how far she’s come, they’re upseting.

I do love sharing pics of the kids, I mean, have you seen them? They’re adorable. I also love to see pictures my friends post, and again, because of distance, I can’t always see wee ones in person. I have to say that sometimes I wonder about the things parents choose to share. I don’t get sharing pictures of your sick kid or when they’re being toilet trained or are in the middle of a full blown tantrum. If you really want to capture that moment, fine, but why then send it out to the universe?

I tend to try to avoid sharing our location while we’re actually somewhere. If we went to the zoo, I wait until we’re home to post the pics. The idea that someone could potentially see us online and seek us out in person is beyond creepy, to say the least. I feel the same way about those stick figure family cartoons you see on the back of cars. I mean, has no one seen Dexter?

I have to admit that a big reason for my photo documentation has a lot to do with guilt. When pregnant with Buds, I kept a lovely baby book that continued after he was born, full of cards, pictures, monthly adventures, and milestones. I haven’t done shit for the girls. I wish I was super crafty mama, but I just don’t have the time. The girls have their NICU memory box, and now, an online baby book of photo memories. If these girls are like their brother, they’ll love looking at pictures of themselves. I feel bad, but am hopeful that a photo journal is just as good as an actual baby book…maybe?

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A rare find - a photo of me!

The un-put-together Mama

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Except for a few middle of the night fire alarms, I haven’t left the house without a full made up face since I was about 12. I’m definitely not an au naturel girl, but not a MAC artist either.

When Buds was born, I had no problem showering or getting ready because he was always a good sleeper and stuck to a schedule. Still, I wasn’t over the top, but yes, I do enjoy a good purple eyeshadow.

There were many a stay-at-home Mama in our hood who were full-on; hair, nails, face, clothes, and heels. I wasn’t really sure what it was for- spit up doesn’t look better on designer clothes,  and even with the support of a stroller, heels hurt your feet after awhile, but, I would never begrudge a mom for what makes her feel good about herself.

Those ladies would probably be appalled by my recent appearance. I can’t remember the last time I blow dried and styled my hair or wore eyeshadow. Usually, my hair ends up in a ponytail or bun and I have to do my routine in rounds, based on when the three kids each need me. I have actually left the house on many a recent occasion in yoga pants (the new sweatpants) and running shoes. Eek.

How I would love to walk around all styled and made up with three kids in tow à la many a celeb Mama, but that’s just not my reality and I’m not sacrificing any more of the precious few minutes of sleep I’m getting.

As I write this, I’m not wearing any makeup and generally look a mess, but don’t worry, I promise not to leave the house like this.

Fatty fat fat fat fatty fatty fat fat

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After Braeden was born, I hated the way I looked. None of my clothes fit properly and I hated seeing myself in pictures because of how I looked.

After feeling terrible about myself, I joined Weight Watchers and did fabulously; I lost 57 pounds and felt awesome and looked pretty dang good. Then I went and got knocked up again.

I’ve already blogged about my love of junk food, especially during our NICU time ( https://adventureswithmultiples.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/if-you-eat-all-the-oreos-you-might-as-well-be-dead-to-me/), and now I’m paying the price.

I have about twenty pounds of baby belly (and thighs and hips) left, so I’m back to where I was before; limited clothing options, hating the rolls.

I’m back on Weight Watchers, but have been half-assing it. With the weather finally getting nicer and an array of maxi dresses in my closet, I’m determined to get my ass in gear, literally. I love taking the girls and Buds out for walks, and my activity points keep adding up.

Now, I just need to keep my hands out of the cookie jar.

Why we should stop sharing the picture of twins holding hands at birth

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Yesterday, I went into a store, and upon seeing I had twins, a woman immediately asked me if I had seen the picture of the twins born holding hands. I told her I had, and that my girls are mono mono too.

“Oh!” she said, “wasn’t that so sweet?”

Yes, it is sweet, and that mum is really lucky; not only were her girls holding hands, but they were a good size and born near Mother’s Day.

I first saw the photos on one of the MoMo support groups on facebook, which that same mum is also a part of. At first, I thought the same, so sweet. Then I was seeing the picture everywhere and I wanted it to stop.

For so many reasons, that picture saddens me, and also somewhat angers me. Many of the information being written is incorrect, which is frustrating. That misinformation is leading to people commenting how they want mono mono twins; how lucky we are, how close our kids must be. I’m lucky because I have two beautiful girls who survived. I would hardly describe my pregnancy as lucky; their emergency c-section wasn’t filled with luck, and snap worthy moments, but instead, it was filled with fear, and our girls didn’t even get a second to be photographed because they weren’t breathing on their own. Ella’s birth simply took too long, she came out, but we couldn’t ooh and ahh. That picture reminds me how close we were to a different ending.

That picture saddens me because so many of our fellow mono mono Mamas have lost one or both of their babes. I would hardly say they’re lucky. I wouldn’t say the doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, specialists, and NICU time are sweet.

One picture does not represent the worry, anxiety, fear, sadness, and regret. It doesn’t convey how our pregnancies feel stolen from us, how we feel like failures.

Yes, that picture and that birth are beautiful. Unfortunately, seeing it everywhere I look, and then being reminded of it when I leave the house, immediately brings back the feelings I had at the girls’ birth and subsequent NICU stay. Of course, strangers wouldn’t know, wouldn’t understand. If we’re going to share the lucky moments and the good stories, let’s remember the heartache, the Mamas who never got to meet their babies, the babies who struggled to breathe, to live.

You know I can hear you, right?

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I’m not totally sure why as women start to grow a baby belly, every stranger in the world has an opinion to share. Forget about when the actual baby is born and you cannot get five feet without someone telling you what your baby wants or needs.

I accepted that with my son, and mastered the polite smile and nod. One of my friends couldn’t believe it when the cashier at the grocery store was arguing with me about why my son was cranky. She practically yelled at me that he needed to go to sleep. Umm, nope, he wanted out of the stroller and to eat dinner. Shockingly, I actually know my son pretty well.

I knew to expect the same with the girls, in addition to the “oh my God, twins!” reaction. I really wasn’t expecting the other side.

There are people who are genuinely happy to see twins; usually they have twins or are grandmas desperate for grandkids. And then there are the people who look at me in disgust and mumble something along the lines of, “uhhh twins, no thanks” , or  “better you than me”, or even better, “I would never want twins.” Well, good, because you don’t deserve them.

Now, those are just the comments when I’m out with the girls. All three kids? It’s like people’s heads are going to explode.

The looks are often accompanied by finger pointing, nudging, and comments like, “Twins and a two-year old?! Can you imagine??”

I pretend to ignore the looks, that I can’t hear what people are saying. Yes, I’m busy. Yes, my hands are full. Yes, they’re twins. No, I’m not crazy. This is our family, our life. We can’t change it now. You stopping me to ask thousands of questions or give me advice or test my sanity does not help. In fact, it gives me less time to do what I need to do and less time with my kids.

Staring at us like we’re sideshow freaks does nothing for my self esteem, let alone my son’s. Should we hoard ourselves inside the house because you  can’t imagine getting three kids under three out of the house? No, thanks, we’re having too much fun being a crazy special family.

Mama’s Day

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Mother’s Day is usually filled with people buying cards and flowers and tends to bring on sappy commercials that make moms cry.

But, aside from the gifts and the extra shout outs on Facebook, it really should be a day for us mums to reflect too.

Being a mum is hard, damn hard. Whether you were a NICU mama or not, a mom of a singleton or of multiples, a younger mum or an older one, you work your ass off for very little praise in the hopes that in the end, your kid will grow up to be well adjusted, successful, and loved. Good looking too, if you’re feeling greedy.

We as mums know that it’s hard out there, but we perpetually do two things; we belittle ourselves, and we engage in mom wars.

Show me a mom who when faced with a compliment, accepts it willingly and toots her own horn and awesomeness, and I’ll show you 10,000 who don’t. Even those God damn Pinterest mums who make pinecone centerpieces for Thanksgiving have their doubts if they’re really doing a good job. We all think we’re depriving our kids of something, or we get embarrassed when our kid makes a loud noise in a restaurant or throws a fit when you refuse to buy him a cookie for breakfast. The constant questioning, researching parenting methods, just to feel like we’re doing an ok job, not even a great one, just ok.

The mom wars do nothing to help. We fight with each other about breast versus bottle feeding, cloth versus disposable versus no diapers, cribs versus co-sleeping, crying it out versus being soothed. Reading the comment section on anything to do with parenting will make you fear for the future of this planet.

Can we all just shut the fuck up? You are a great mum. Period. You, sometimes with a partner, sometimes without, make the best decisions for your family and your kids. Who the hell am I to judge? We will disagree; I for one think Alicia Silverstone is bat shit crazy, and there’s no way I’m chewing my kid’s food and feeding it to him, but I don’t begrudge her the choice. Really if he’s happy and healthy what do I care? (Of course, immunization aversion is a no-go for me for so many reasons, but particularly for kids health.)

You are a great mum. I could say this 1000 times and you’ll still think you’re not. Calm the voices telling you you’re not good enough. You give all of yourself to your family ALL THE TIME. Ain’t no calling in sick to mamahood. As mums, we take on the work of several people and we do it because we love our kids and our families. We always come last.

We’re fighting with ourselves enough that we need to stop fighting each other. Do you think most Dads sit around analyzing other Dads’ every move, including what they wear for pick up and drop off duty? No, cause they don’t care. They’re pretty secure in the fact that they’re awesome, their kids are awesome, so who cares if there’s dust on top of the TV.

We need to band together more as mums, and as women. We know it’s hard. We know things like breastfeeding don’t come easy so why in the hell do we make the mums bottle feeding feel like shit?

As moms we take on many roles; teacher, friend, confidant, and we do it all unconditionally. We love our kids immensely because they are our hearts. Let’s believe the best in ourselves and in other mamas. Even the ones who look pulled together may just be hanging on by a thread.

So, Happy Mother’s Day to you, and remember; you’re doing a great job. You are a great mother.

The Re-Traumatization of a Fragile Mum

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I recently joined some online support groups for parents of mono mono twins. I probably should have joined while I was still pregnant, but never really thought about it.

Recently, I was perusing through facebook when I saw some mums had posted pictures of their mono mono twins’ cords; bloody, tangled, and often knotted. My stomach immediately dropped and I felt tears in my eyes. In that moment, I was back in the doctor’s office, at around 15 weeks pregnant, being told that my ultrasound picked up that the cords were tangled.

Of course, cord entanglement is the biggest concern with mono mono twins as the more they tangle, babies receive less blood, and can die from severe tangles and knots.

After the girls were pulled out of me and were already being worked on, the doctor asked if I wanted to see a picture of the cords.

“No!” I practically shouted, “who would want to see that?” Even the question sent a shiver down my spine. Now I’ve come to realize that most people do take photos of their cords.

In some ways I can understand it; it really drives the whole “miracle” aspect for people, like look what my kids survived. But, seeing those pictures makes me feel sick, makes me feel like I’m back at the beginning, back to the unknown.

At my post section follow-up, I mentioned to my doctor that they had asked about seeing the cords, and I declined. My doctor told me she’d been sent the photos, and told me that it was a good thing I didn’t see it.

So, I guess mom really does know best.

We’re four months old!

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Raegan and Ella, four months, May 7th, 2014

Not to make myself sound like an old lady, but honestly, you blink and the next thing you know, your kids have grown so much and you’re left wondering where the time has gone.

The girls are officially four months old, seven weeks corrected. Ella is a bit over ten pounds and Raegan is nine and a half. If these girls are anything like their brother, they’ll be good growers outside the belly.

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Braeden and Raegan share a laugh

While I got smiles from both girls today, I have not had sleep. The girls seem to be misunderstanding that sleep is the key to life, as they’re either up all night or at least once an hour.

I posted this week about Ella’s follow-up needs, and we’ve been doing our exercises and tummy time religiously. I have been getting so much eye contact, so I’m not as concerned that she wasn’t doing much at the appointment. Later this month, Ella has more appointments and an ultrasound at Sick Kids.

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Raegan takes a nap, 7 weeks corrected

We’re still trying to get into some kind of routine though the mornings are hard as I zombie shuffle through the house, exhausted from lack of sleep. If we weren’t crazy enough, Buds has started the beginnings of potty training, and ran around all afternoon in just his undies. It’s hilarious, to say the least.

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Ella, 7 weeks corrected

Here’s hoping that the girls learn the sweet loveliness that is sleep very soon before I start hallucinating so that we can start getting out more and having more fun as a party of five.